The Time My Brother Was Predicted to Become A “Master Criminal”

A person behind jail bars

Waterloo, Iowa is a small city surrounded by hundreds of miles of farmland peppered with small towns, an oasis where rural folks can drive to a shopping mall. The Cedar River divides the city, not only literally, but also into the have and the have-nots. My brother Daniel entered adolescence on the wrong side of the river, a have-not. At age thirteen, he was consumed by the need to get a head start on adulthood. He probably questioned whether there would be a place for him, a way out of welfare. Daniel took a job at the Red Carpet club, a golf course for those people from the West side, the better side, of the river.

Without a father at home, my brother sought a man to show him the appropriate ways to be an adult man. Daniel listened intently to the words of the owner of the Red Carpet club. This man possessed apparent wealth and obvious wisdom about the whole world of Waterloo, Iowa. Daniel was told that a boy needed to work hard to succeed.

My young brother came to understand the uselessness of school; actually, anyone with sense would have surmised that education was a waste of time. Many of the gray-haired members of the city’s owning class had left school in the eighth grade, and Daniel’s boss was no exception. Daniel could not identify with any of the various people he met who valued learning in a brick building; a real man learned with the wind in his hair and the sun in his eyes.

The man who owned the golf course offered my brother the opportunity to work, and work was a boarding pass for travel upward. His boss reaffirmed the futility of reading books and sitting in classes by providing my young brother with work hours scheduled during the school day.

It took my mother a few days to realize that Daniel’s after school job was transforming into full-time employment. The school had to call her, sharing with my weary, depressed mother that her son starting to be absent on a daily basis. I sat my brother down, emphasized the importance of education for finding secure work, and I intermittently pleaded for agreement that he would continue eighth grade.

Daniel’s face reflected his doubt at first, and his wandering attention as the lecture progressed; there was a trace of smug contempt, because his foolish sister did not realize he had already secured a real job. He couldn’t tell this naïve woman that he would certainly work his way up to ownership of the golf course, because I was sold on this pointless notion of school.

Amidst the controversy created by my mother and the school about whether my brother should be working, my brother turned fourteen years old. He just wanted to work, and the law technically allowed a child of fourteen to drop out of school. As weeks passed, it became clear that Daniel had no intention of returning to junior high. He was being paid money, a tangible reward. Money was the only indication of progress toward independence my brother would believe in. Implicitly, working was a contract between Daniel and a bright future.

My mother interfered with Daniel’s master plan. She made angry calls to my brother’s boss, and tossed around the threat of calling in the local authorities. Daniel’s boss was unmoved by child labor laws, because he was convinced he was in the process of saving a poor welfare child from a life of laziness. Despite my mother’s propensity to stay in bed throughout the day, she crawled up through her depression to seek a lawyer.

Her motions toward suing Daniel’s offending boss for exploiting her son were printed in the local Waterloo Courier newspaper, of course under the cloak of anonymity for my brother’s sake. My brother’s well-connected boss was able to use his influence to set the tone of the newspaper article. My mother was an ungrateful villainess, and my brother was a hostage of both her deviance and the impractical limits of child labor laws.

Daniel was desperate to keep his grasp on the promise of self-sufficiency. In his clouded mind, he bore the burden of living with an ignorant mother. He heard rumors that the school was planning to force his attendance through legal means, bypassing the minimum age for leaving school and using the law that youth must complete eighth grade. Always resourceful, my brother designed a plan that was sure to guarantee him money, work, and security.

As the young siblings of my childhood home left for school one day, and my mother began to run errands, Daniel took his bicycle onto the highway out of town. He pedaled through heat and exhaustion, headed for California. While many young people have boarded a bus for Hollywood or hitch-hiked toward the state where nameless faces become famous, my brother had no desire to become a screen actor. In fact, he sought the very groups that are formed by the people who are discarded from the competition for stardom. They were likely to help set him up with a job and shelter. He had a friend in Utah he’d always had a crush on, too.

Unfortunately, Daniel rode only about one hundred miles of his long trip before succumbing to physical fatigue. His progress toward California had already taken him an entire day; it was the early morning hours when he reached the small Iowa city called Marshalltown, a place where folks don’t lock their houses or their car. Following the tradition of trust, a man left his van running, while he went to do banking in a small enclosure that housed an ATM. Daniel took advantage of the opportunity he encountered. He placed his bicycle in the back of the van, hopped behind the steering wheel, and drove off.

Stealing gas from stations along the freeway, and struggling with the rudimentary skills of driving, my brother proceeded several hundred miles. Daniel crossed the border between Iowa and Nebraska, and he made significant progress in the trek across the mind-numbing landscape of Nebraska. It is difficult to say what drew the attention of the highway patrol. Perhaps it was my brother’s youthful appearance, or maybe Daniel was speeding without realizing how his haste to complete the trip was impacting his driving. It is possible that the attendant at a gas station caught the license plate number of the van whose driver failed to pay for pumped gas. At any rate, my brother quickly noticed the siren and red lights behind him, and he knew that his capture would be the end result of stopping for the officer.

Daniel increased his speed until he was traveling well over 90 miles per hour. He hoped that the police officer would give up the chase, and simply let him continue on. Instead, the patrolman persistently stayed behind him. Daniel saw a freeway exit ramp, and quickly plotted an alternative escape route. With very little knowledge of how driving works, my brother attempted to turn from the exit ramp onto the intersecting highway without reducing his speed. Naturally, the van continued moving forward, traveling onto a grassy embankment, and eventually plunging sideways into a small river.

A bullhorn amplified the order given by authorities demanding that Daniel get out of the van with his hands in the air. Shaken, but unhurt, Daniel slowly climbed up through the window of the driver side door. I imagine that the police officer was shocked by just how young this elusive criminal turned out to be.

The boy with the glasses around the time of his crime spree
The boy with the glasses around the time of his crime spree

After being handcuffed and placed into the back seat of the patrol car, Daniel reluctantly admitted his name and his hometown, but he ended up amazed by the disbelief his admission created. At the same time Daniel was planning his trip west, a young boy who was both native to Nebraska and similar to my brother in appearance, had run away from home. The policemen who listened to my brother explain his story refused to believe that he was not the missing boy. Daniel was taken to a local hospital for observation, and a Sheriff arrived to take over the situation. It was the Sheriff who eventually believed Daniel, and he contacted my apprehensive mother. Arrangements were made to have my brother transported home by airplane.

This episode in my family’s history should have ended at this point, but the story continues on. Daniel was fortunate with regard to the weather conditions on the day his flight left for Iowa. The airplane my brother boarded was headed in the right direction, but storms forced the plane down at another Nebraska city. This unplanned detour left law enforcement unprepared, so no one met the plane to ensure that my brother would remain a passenger. Daniel hopped off the airplane, and he began to hitchhike his way back toward California.

Daniel believed that he had encountered a stroke of luck as a car pulled over to offer him a ride. He was mistaken, because the kindly driver was a police officer operating an unmarked car. The officer had been one of many law enforcers who were alerted to the fact that my brother had escaped. No one trusted that an airplane could safely get my determined brother back to his home state, so a representative of my hometown’s justice system drove down to collect him personally. My brother would end the month with a trip to the inpatient adolescent ward of a local psychiatric hospital, rather than accomplishing his goal of reaching religious fanatics or employment in California. His file created at the adolescent psychiatric program forewarned that without proper intervention, this boy would become a “master criminal”.

An excerpt from an assessment showing the prediction of my brother's future status as a "master criminal"
The prediction of his future status as a “master criminal”

In reality, he was given probation and community service. His community service was done at the Humane Society. He was known as an excellent worker, so they hired him on after he put his time in. Eventually, he finished his high school degree from the city’s alternative high school. He worked for many years for a meat packing plant, and then moved into the job he has had for 15 years as an electrician. He never became a criminal of any sort.

Sometimes You Just Have To Take The Beating

I was never a fighter, but I lived in a neighborhood where being a fighter was a necessity. I was suspended three times for fighting in high school. Twice in middle school. This is about the last time in 1986.

This is me in 1986 rocking the popped collar
This is me in 1986 rocking the popped collar

Latisha was not a regular rider of my school bus. Although she lived only six blocks away, she lived on a different bus route. As I boarded the bus to go home, I took immediate notice of Latisha, seated next to Shara. My heart thumped fearfully in my chest, but I did not want to show fear. Ricky B. was not on the bus yet, but there were empty seats near the middle of the rows. As I walked by Latisha, she stuck her foot into my path, and I tripped.

“There’ll be more coming, bitch.”

Without responding, I swung into the most distant empty seat, praying that Ricky was not staying after school. Ms. May, the bus driver, started the engine, and made preparations to leave the school. She placed her hand on the large silver handle that pulled the folding doors closed. I was really starting to panic. Just as Ms. May was about to pull the door closed, Ricky ran up shouting to please wait. Ms. May was known for her rigidity about waiting for tardy students. By an act of God, she decided to open the door, and let Ricky onto the bus.

“Boy, next time ya won be so lucky”, Ms. May scolded.

Ricky may have caught the bus, but my luck was obviously more significant than his. As the bus got into motion, Latisha regularly turned her head toward me to cast threatening glances in my direction. Ricky was my only hope for avoiding a beating. Latisha was spreading the rumor she was going to give me a beat down because I spread the rumor her brother was in jail. This was not true. The real reason was because I had thrown down with Shara a couple weeks before, and I had gotten the better hand. Shara had been my best friend. But, she lied to me. She told me my boyfriend, Ben, was cheating on me. I believed her above anyone else, because I had absolute trust in Shara. I refused to even let Ben speak a word to me. It turned out Shara was just jealous of the time Ben and I had been spending together, so she wanted to break us up. It was typical 9th grade boy-girl-girl silliness with a bit too much violence.

As the bus swung onto the access road, Ricky swayed side to side near the front of the bus. His eyes scanned the people in front of him, until he noticed I had saved him a seat. He grinned and made his way to my seat.

“Where were you?” I demanded in a hoarse whisper tainted with angry fear.

“I had to meet with my math teacher,” he responded, as a look of confusion crossed his face. It was clear he did not understand the desperation I emanated.

“Did you see who is on the bus today?”

Ricky checked over the students in the seats behind him, and looked carefully at the back of the heads in front of us. His glance returned to me, showing no recognition of danger.

“Latisha is on this bus. She is planning to wup my ass, and I don’t want to fight her. What should I do? I need your help.”

“First of all, don’t be so scared. She’ll be able to tell you are chicken, and she’ll tell everyone,” Ricky warned.

I knew I had to think fast. I could not allow it to seem as though Ricky was protecting me, but I needed him to prevent serious pain. Shara knew well that Ricky got off the bus three stops before we did. I was certain she would tell Latisha I was scared, if Ricky ended up walking me home. This situation would only invite further attacks from other girls at school who wanted to practice their fighting skills.

“Ok, I am going to put my purse in your backpack.”

“What the hell for?” Ricky asked.

“I want you to get off at your normal bus stop, get onto your ten-speed, and rush over to my bus stop. Bring my purse, and right away start talking about how I left it at your house. Then, you can walk me home”

Ricky agreed as the bus slowed in preparation for his stop. Shoving the purse into his backpack, he swung out of his seat, and eased his way down the aisle. Just as Ricky disembarked the bus, Latisha turned to me and stated, “Now, you’s mine. Ya ain’t got that boy to watch out for you.”

My stomach was so tight, I had to double over to relieve the sharp pain. I had only minutes before I must confront this girl who outweighed me by 30 pounds, all of it in her muscles. At my bus stop, I was relieved to see Ricky casually seated on his bike, my purse dangling from one handlebar. Latisha and Shara got off the bus first, but instead of crossing the street toward home, they stopped. With wobbly legs, I stepped down to the curb.

Immediately, Ricky announced, “You left your purse at my house. Plus, I gotta go to your house to get my notebook.”

Shara snorted, and Latisha used full force to push me backward. I struggled to remain upright, while Ricky told my enemies to just go home. Shara and Latisha exchanged looks, and headed toward Shara’s house. They spoke loudly, guaranteeing I would hear their threatening and derogatory comments. As frightening as future interactions would be, I was shaking with relief that this confrontation had ended.

Ricky got off of his bike, and walked alongside it. I kept the distance between us minimal, as I walked in the direction of home.

Two days after my narrow escape with Latisha, I decided she had forgotten about me. Latisha had been in three fights during the school year, and rumors indicated she was on the verge of being expelled. For this reason, she was unlikely to attack me at school. I probably wasn’t worth the risk. I hadn’t seen Latisha in my neighborhood, and I had been keeping a low profile in school. I figured once her initial hostility died away, I would be safe. Nonetheless, I had appreciated Ricky’s willingness to walk me home at the end of each school day.

Over the rest of the week, my vigilance slowly decreased. Ricky wanted to try out for the school’s latest theatrical production. He asked me if I would be all right riding the bus on my own, while he took the later activity bus. I saw no problem with this arrangement.

At the end of the next few school days, I checked to see if Shara was taking Latisha home with her. I knew I would immediately get back off the bus, if I saw them together. I wasn’t even concerned about the reputation I would earn for being weak.

At this point, I was becoming fully aware of the implications of my lost friendship with Shara. Simply seeing Shara sitting with our mutual friend, Teresa, was disheartening for me. Teresa would talk to me in orchestra class, but when forced to choose, she spent more time with Shara. I was being excluded from our circle of friends. When it came down to how people were choosing who to side with, it seemed like race had everything to do with it.

During the third week after my frightening bus ride with Latisha, I was pleased to see Shara was not on the school bus. I slipped into the seat next to Teresa, and she moved to provide me with more room. We talked easily about the mind-numbing effects of school, while carefully avoiding the topic of my disintegrated relationship with Shara. When we got to our bus stop, I waved happily to Teresa, heading for home with a sense of belonging.

From behind a row of bushes, Latisha dove at my chest. I fell backward onto the concrete of the sidewalk. Grabbing my legs, she dragged me to the gravel alley, and began pounding on my stomach and face. I did not fight back, but instead pulled my arms in front of my face. Latisha grabbed my hands and scraped my knuckles against sharp rocks. Torn skin hung from the bony parts of my finger.

“You ain’t never gonna call me brother a jailbird again, ya hear?”

Latisha repeatedly yelled. Her assault was unrelenting, and her strength clearly dominated my own to the point that fighting back was pointless. “I didn’t even know you had a brother,” I protested. Until recently, I didn’t know a older teen I sometimes hung out with was her brother. I certainly never would have said a bad word about him. As far as I knew, he had never been to jail. I liked him a lot. He was best friends with my boyfriend, Ben.

In the background, I saw Shara for the first time. She was watching my beating intently. Latisha punched me until she tired, occasionally daring me to hit her back. I ignored her taunting, and fought back tears. Eventually, Latisha kicked at my abdomen a few times and walked with Shara to her house.

I hobbled to my house, overcome with shame, anger, and shock. Pain and intense emotion made it impossible for me to hold back tears. Large droplets of water ran down my face. The stinging pain of salty tears made me aware that Latisha had also given me numerous deep scratches. The mirrors at home revealed that my face was a mess. I called out to see if any of my family was home, but I heard only silence. I curled onto the sofa, praying that my mother would be home soon. I needed her comfort. When my mother arrived home, I could barely choke out an explanation to her queries about my terrible condition.

“Your shirt is ripped, your face is completely scratched, and you have some darkening bruises. Are you okay?” mom said fearfully. I could not answer her. She wrapped her arms around me, and made soothing noises. After I regained my voice, I told her of Latisha’s ambush.

“You are going to have scarring on your face, if we do not clean those scratches. You know, I think aloe would help. Brenda’s family has a live aloe plant. Let’s clean your face and ask for some aloe vera leaves”. I didn’t care what she did to make me feel better. I just wanted her to make me feel better. 

The Day I Thought I Was Going To Be Knifed

The home I was living in my 8th grade year
The home I was living in my 8th grade year

In late fall 1985, I froze in the face of a knife. When it comes to fight or flight, I learned my reaction to danger is to apparently play possum, which doesn’t really work if you don’t look dead.

They were busing black children to predominantly white schools to increase integration. Through this desegregation effort, a few of us poor white kids were also sent across town. This integrated schooling was moving me into a district with a different civilization of people — people who had money. And I didn’t like them. They appeared to dislike me as well, casting disparaging looks at my fashion choices, seeing me with black students and rolling their eyes, the general lack of smiles in return for mine. I still kept my distance from the rich kids, tending to hang around my own kind…folks who came from families with nothing but pathetic jobs to live on, supplemented by welfare when needed.

In our neighborhood, that was a bit of a diverse mix of kids, but mostly it was poor and working class African-Americans and poor whites. During my first year of high school, there was a schism among the poor folks, based on a war among the dating girls. I tried to stay clear of it, but it didn’t work.

Dating Can Be Dangerous

In the fall of my first year of high school, I was spending a lot of time with my best friend, Shara, who was the beautiful daughter of a white mother and a black father. When I first met her, I assumed she was Mexican, because she looked Latina to me. That makes me one of those white people that makes that ethnic mistake. She also had internalized a great deal of racism, because she described herself as mulatto to me.

Blurred picture (for her privacy) of my best friend, Shara
Blurred picture (for her privacy) of my best friend, Shara

When I went away to college, I had no idea there was anything in the slightest bit racist about referring to a biracial person as mulatto. I think I read it was wrong before I was humiliated by educated classmates. It would have just been a punch in the face to have white people who never lived with black people in their lives telling me how wrong it is.

Shara’s attractiveness led her to be esteemed among the hormonal-charged boys in the neighborhood. She caught the eye of a desirable young man, a male that was considered the claim of a quick-to-fight, black girl named Minova. She had a reputation for really hurting other girls. Still, Shara did not dissuade the advances of the boy in question. He was a starting basketball player for East High, and he was so fine.

Now, Minova had a serious vendetta against Shara, and I was unfortunate enough to be there when it all came down. One day, when we got off the school bus, this possessive on again-off again girlfriend of the super desirable, Ricky, was waiting in a car with her sister. When she saw us, she hopped out, and pointed a long butcher knife in our direction. She said something like “taking the pretty out of the little whore’s face”.

Suddenly, Minova was screaming and waving her hands in the air. She was madder than hell, and Shara was running on down the street. I froze, and observed the scene in a confused, dissociated state. Minova turned to me, her eyes crimson red and watering, her knife-wielding arm waving, and she spat over and over bitterly, “My quarrel ain’t with you. You lucky this time, but you keep hangin’ with the likes of that whore, and you may get hurt.” She got into the car with her sister, and as they drove away, I heard her say, “Damn bitch maced me.”

My heart skipped two steps ahead of me as I walked quickly home to what I hoped would be my mother’s waiting arms. The helicopter seeds that had fallen from the trees above crunched under my feet. My mom wasn’t home. Nobody was. I just curled up on my bed with a stuffed animal.

Why wasn’t anyone home that was older than me?

The First Time I Felt I Belonged In a Group, I Was the Only White Girl

In October 1984, the Boys/Girls Club held a Fall dance. It was my first dance and teens from 13–18 could go. I was 13 now, and for the first time in my life, I finally had a group of friends to hang around.  I finally had a sense of belonging. The experience was transformative.


Waterloo, Iowa Boys and Girls Club
Waterloo, Iowa Boys and Girls Club

“There is nothing to your hair, but it is soft”

Patrice laughed as played with strands of my hair in the swimming pool room. We were sitting in the bleachers at the side of the pool, about to hear something Mr. Johnson was announcing to only the girls. She sat behind me on the rafter above. I laughed, too. Without a perm, a barrette, hair clip, or twist-tie would slide right out. I said,

“I thinking of getting a perm, but I would absolutely need to buy some Care Free Curl© to keep it moisturized. It’s still dead from when I tried to bleach it.”

Patrice laughed again. She knew my hair bleaching story well. I had mistakenly believed that women were putting Clorox in their hair to lighten it, having never been told differently. It didn’t go well when I tried it.

“Every time you say you’re getting a perm, and it means you’re basically getting a Jheri Curl© head of curls, I have to mentally flip it. I have a perm, you know. For me, it means my hair gets straightened.”

Mr. Johnson came out and in a flash announced, “Girls may be excused from gym during their menstrual cycles if they have a note from a parent or the school nurse.” Then, he sent us into the girls locker room to change into our suits, while allowing the boys to come out of their locker room and jump in the pool.

In our locker room, as we were talking and exchanging glances while changing clothes, I couldn’t help noticing an enormous scar on Patrice’s breast. I must have stared, because Patrice said, “Go on girl, go head and get a good look. It’s pretty nasty. I’d be staring, too.”

In a neighborhood where it was essential to be tough, Patrice had a reputation for being among the toughest. Patrice had pulled such a large patch of hair and skin off a girl’s scalp that she needed stitches. She had fought Minova and won. She had been in a fight with two girls and won. Now, she told me proudly,

“It was an all-out fight. She came away pretty messed up, too,”

Then she added.

“But, I’m not proud of myself.”

Patrice’s injury happened during a fight with a grown woman. Katrice was fourteen, but she looked like she was twenty. She went to a bar folks just called the Motorcycle Club, but it some other official name, without even getting carded. This woman was drunk and started the fight with her that mauled her breast.

It was strange to think of the girl I met during the summer while corn detasseling as anything but sweet, funny, and loving. She was quick to laugh with a beautiful smile that showed off bright white, perfectly-spaced teeth.

During our time working together in the summer, we had tried to get ourselves assigned to work on corn rows right next to each other so we could talk. But, you didn’t want to talk too much or you might get too distracted from your job. Our discovery that we only lived a railroad bridge away from each other was thrilling. Better still, because I had moved, I got to attend West Jr. with her in 8th grade.

After school, Patrice smooth-talked the bus driver to let her ride my bus home. When she said she was going to my house, the driver shrugged and let her on. She giggled as she slipped into the seat next to me like she had gotten away with something. She had. There were policies against doing this. It was that adult look of hers.

Katrice with two of my brothers
Patrice with two of my brothers

 

Patrice liked my family. She said complimentary things to my brothers and they started following her around eager for positive attention. The first place she headed was my clothes. I didn’t have a closet. Instead, the clothes hung on a rod that separated the bedrooms of the house from the rest of the house. They served as a sort of curtain between my room and the living room. She flipped through each choice, pulling out a few now and then and throwing them on a chair. She left a few garments still hanging, but there was a lot less there.

“These are no good. You can give them away or throw them away or something, but they make you look like a nerd.”

I wasn’t offended she was telling me most of my clothes were terrible. It felt she was taking care of me. I craved nurturing from anywhere I could get it. Listening to her talk, I went into a trance-like state, feeling the warmth of friendship.

“I can’t find anything for you to wear to the Boy’s/Girl’s Club Dance. We are about the same size. I have a pair of gray leather pants you could borrow. Then, we can use this black and white print shirt to go with it,”

she said, holding out one of my few shirts purchased by my Grandma.

The ubiquitous jelly shoes of the 1980s
The ubiquitous jelly shoes of the 1980s

The next day, I wore the leather pants to school with my stylish shirt. Of course, I showed I knew what was in fashion by popping my collar up. I was wearing one of my many different colored jelly shoes. Probably, the black ones. It was uncanny how much more people were smiling at me. In fact, everything seemed to be going my way helping to build my confidence throughout the day.

It was Friday. It was sunny with fat, puffy clouds drifting by every so often. School was almost out. I could not force myself to listen to Mr. Snyder talk about Earth Science. Instead, I fussed with my fingernails, repeatedly checked the clocks, looked around at my classmates, and tried to slow my heart rate by taking deep breaths. When the bell finally rang, I just sat there, and waited for all the other students to leave so I could catch my breath. I was so excited about tonight’s dance. A boy I really liked, who resembled Michael Jackson on the Thriller cover if you squinted, was supposed to be at the dance.

At the school buses, Patrice waved to me and yelled, “I’m coming over to your house,” before she got on her bus. And about an hour later, she was at our porch, knocking on the screen door.

I came outside and we both sat down there on the top step of the three steps that led to our fenced-in porch. I blurted out,

This dance is going to be so much fun. I have never been to a dance.

It was not just the excitement of trying something new. There was also a sense of sensuality thinking about meeting boys who might find me attractive.

Girrrrl, I already know you dance like a white girl. Why don’t we practice a little bit?

I did dance in a stiff, self-conscious way. I knew it. It was because I could never stop thinking about how I should be moving. Patrice had told me to just let go and listen to the music, but I couldn’t seem to prevent my mind from trying to observe myself.

We got up and moved onto the cement walkway that led from our house to the sidewalk. Patrice started singing a Prince song to give us some music to dance to, and she began dancing. Facing her, I attempted to mimic her every move. Noticing us outside, my little sister and brother came outside to watch. Having an audience made me self-conscious again, but I soon forgot about them.

That’s right. You getting it. Loosen up like that.

I smiled with relief and kept practicing. Suddenly, my shoe slipped on an acorn or rock and my leg went out from under me. I fell to the cement and heard the ghastly sound of a fabric ripping. Katrice’s leather pants were torn at the knee. There was no way to sew them. The gash was huge. I panicked thinking, “That’s it, our friendship is over.” I knew it would take me a long time to pay her back for the pants, and my mother would not have the money to give her.

I’m so sorry. I can’t believe that happened. I will babysit for the next three months to buy you new pants.

Patrice looked panicked, too. But, after a moment, she bent over and exclaimed

Your knee is really bleeding. We need to clean that out and get a bandage on that.

Okay, so she wasn’t saying anything about the pants. I knew they cost about $45. I earned $1.50 an hour babysitting, so it would take me. Oh crap, I can’t do math in my head. I felt so awful for doing this to her. I think the pants were actually her mother’s.

We went inside, tended the wound, and I changed into some off-brand jeans. It was still going to be okay, because probably a lot of people who went to the dance would be poor, too. But, I wasn’t worried about how people would judge my looks anymore. I was devastated about Patrice’s pants.

It was painful to walk the five blocks to the Boys/Girls Club, because my knee throbbed and stung. At the door to the club, a staff member was checking IDs to verify membership in the Club. She pulled me aside and said,

“I’m afraid your ID says you are ten years old. This dance is for teens 13 and up.”

A picture of me in the 8th grade
A Polaroid picture (with cracks in it)

I was downcast, but still hopeful. I had some powerful things going for me. My appearance. Not only did I normally look three to five years older than my 13 years of age, I was wearing light make-up, which would have only exaggerated my age. Finally, I had the most powerful evidence of my teenage status of all in my pocket — my West Junior school ID declaring I was in 8th grade. It convinced her the Club had made an error on my ID. It was the truth.

Entering the gymnasium, I was overwhelmed. I had never considered what it would be like to be in a room with 250 other people who were not of my race. I was the only white person in the room. Suddenly, I knew what it felt like to be Patrice, Shara, Teresa, or Chyrell with all the times they must have had to walk into rooms where they were the only black person. I was dissociated from my surroundings, just walking through social niceties as I was introduced to strangers, instead pondering the implications of this racial discovery.

The room was dark with colored spotlights providing the only light. Still, it was sufficient to see Teresa, Shara, Tonya, and several others girls we hung out with from the neighborhood. I also saw a few other girls I was friends with at school, but they were enemies with at least one person in my group, so I could only give them a wave.

Gail, Katrice, and me
Gail, Patrice, and me

My hurt knee provided me with an excuse not to dance. But, when the group insisted I dance with them, my knee did me no favors in dancing freely. I was feeling stiff and in pain. The powerful need to belong kept me out on the dance floor dancing in a circle with the group. I accepted gentle ribbing about my dancing, and kept trying to get better. The music they were playing had such an enticing bass beat. I recognized Prince, Morris Day & the Time, and Sheila E., but I didn’t know a lot of the other artists.

Another white girl arrived. We were enemies from the neighborhood, and that is a whole other story. I kept my distance from Neena. After a bit more time, another white girl arrived. This girl I barely knew from school, and I liked her. She was the cousin of the most popular girl in 8th grade at West Jr., but she was personally not that popular. This was because she was dating black boys. Just like I do.

I found myself a little disappointed I wasn’t the only white person in the gym anymore. I needed more time to think about what it was like to be in that position. I felt accepted and relatively comfortable, because of my friendships with a whole group of people. Or was it that I just felt special and unique? No, it was the flood of new thinking about being white and being black and what it all meant.

If my friends weren’t there, I would have felt fearful, because of the sense of lonesomeness creeping in. I am socially anxious at social gatherings anyway, but I usually feel like I am invisible without belonging. Here, where I stood out, I could feel some people staring at me. They weren’t necessarily hostile, but I was still a curiosity. I felt pings in my chest from standing out and not belonging.

My friends brought my consciousness back to the group. We were dancing, scoping the room for fine boys, and laughing — typically 8th grade girl stuff. Then I saw Teresa pointing at my backside and whispering to Tonya. They both burst out laughing. I knew what it was about so I joked with Teresa, “Okay, you might as well say it.”

“Girrrrl, you have a fllllaaaat booty!!”

The whole group whooped and wiped their eyes. They knew I could take it. I had made the mistake of tucking in this shirt, and was thus subject to ridicule for this physical flaw. It was an established reason for a ribbing. I belonged to this group. We loved each other to tease each other just like in my family.

You Have To Be Prepared For Fieldwork

For two years, my family had gone without a car. It was difficult to take public transportation, especially in winter. My mom couldn’t afford to buy a car, so I set my mind to changing our circumstances.
Picture of corn

Beginning in 1985, I spent my summers detasseling corn for several years. It was field work for minimum wage, but you didn’t have to be 16, like with most jobs. You could start working at age 14, because it was considered farm labor. In the summer, Grandma and Grandpa let me stay with them for two to three weeks during detasseling season. They lived closer to the location where laborers were picked up and dropped off, and they had a car to delivery me there.

Detasseling Company owner Don Briggs spent the school year as the wrestling coach for University of Iowa (Picture: University of Northern Iowa Library)
Detasseling Company owner Don Briggs spent the school year as the wrestling coach for University of Iowa (Picture: University of Northern Iowa Library)

In early evening, Grandma put me on a day-bed in their enclosed front porch. As a child with chronic insomnia, I lay awake listening to the sounds of my grandparents getting ready for bed. First, Grandpa told “Mother,” as he called grandma, that it was time for him to go to sleep. Grandma was a bit of a night owl, and she continued to move around the living room cleaning up. Eventually, I heard the 10:00 evening news covering agricultural and farm markets, weather, sports, and local stories of petty crime. Afterward, Grandma always watched an episode of M*A*S*H. She chuckled softly from time to time, but I never understood the humor. After the TV was switched off, the silence was disturbed only by the ticking of their grandfather clock.

Hands of a grandfather clock

Two things always kept me awake throughout most of the night in Grandma’s and Grandpa’s little house: the grandfather clock and the trains that periodically rumbled past a few hundred feet away.

The clock not only ticked loudly, it also rang its chimes on the quarter-hour. Then, at each hour, a full cacophony of bells made my heart race all over again. Even if I managed to drift off, the midnight hour startled me back to full consciousness. After the chimes quieted, there were 12 loud dongs. Panic set in, because I realized how exhausted I would be the next day. Panic never helps with falling back to sleep.

Picture of books on shelves and piled everywhere

Above me on all sides were book shelves. I was afraid to turn on a light, and wake up my grandparents. But I could read the titles of their book collection using the street light that filtered through the sheer curtains. There were books on archaeology, nature, and science. I selected a book that provided a guide to identifying North American birds, and I found a sliver of light near the foot of the bed. I read about owls, because I liked how they were associated with wisdom. At some point, I finally drifted off.

On my first day of work, Grandma woke me up at 4:00 am, and I stumbled into work clothes. It was hard to feel hunger before feeling awake, but I choked down a bowl of cereal. I couldn’t imagine a day in the fields with the heaviness in my arms and legs. Grandma took me to the site where workers were picked up. At 4:30 am, two refurbished old school buses that had been painted grey pulled into the large strip mall parking lot. Grandma made sure I had my lunch box and gloves, and wished me a good day. I was glad we got there early, because I was able to grab a seat near the front. I knew I could easily become carsick if I tried to handle the bouncing and lurching that occurs when traveling down dirt roads in the back of buses.

I shivered, even though it was summer. I was wearing a T-shirt and shorts, appropriate for a day in the hot sun. Still, the mornings could be chilly. I made a mental note to bring a jacket along in the future. The buses loaded slowly with arriving workers until it was time to go, no matter who was missing. The trip to the fields took 45 minutes, perhaps as much as an hour. By the time the buses pulled into the field, the sky had lightened, but the sun was still not visible.

Dick Briggs was also a wrestling coach, but at University of Northern Iowa
Dick Briggs was also a wrestling coach, but at University of Northern Iowa

 

Two brothers, Don and Dick Briggs, ran our crew. They were local celebrities, because each coached college wrestling. They invited a couple of the star wrestlers to serve as supervisors. The men asked us all to sit on the grass in a semi-circle around them, but it was still very wet with morning dew. Some people pulled out a sheet of plastic and sat down. I continued to stand, along with a few others, confused. I certainly didn’t want wet shorts to start my day. The bosses pulled out a large box of garbage bags, and walked over to those of us awkwardly looking around.

“First-timer, huh?” One of the supervisor-wrestlers asked as he handed me the black plastic bag.

“Yes, sir,” I admitted, wishing that I didn’t have to be called out as inexperienced. I took my bag and made my way through seated people toward the back of the group.

The Briggs brothers each tore a full stalk of corn out of the ground.

“You see this,” Don asked as he held up the stalk.

“This here is a breed of corn that grows tall with a lot of ears of corn. However, this plant is weak, and vulnerable to being damaged by winds. See how its ears of corn are very small.”

Dick Briggs stepped forward, holding up his stalk, and shaking dirt from the roots.

“On the other hand, this breed of corn is short and sturdy. It has fat ears of corn, but not very many of them. So, basically, both of these breeds of corn has faults, but if we help these plants to reproduce together, they will create seeds that can be grown into a corn with all of the best characteristics and none of the faults. We have to do this every year, because the corn that is made from these seeds cannot reproduce.”

Don Briggs took both stalks of corn, and his face grew serious.

The tassel of a stalk of corn
When he pulled away the leaves from the tight spindle, immature tassel silks appeared

“We need to give you a little lesson in corn anatomy and reproduction. Corn stalks each have leaves, ears, and when they get old enough, they develop tassels. Tassels are the yellow tops of corn that appear when the corn is becoming mature. The tassels contain the pollen that the corn uses to fertilize other plants. We are trying to make hybrid corn. This means we are removing the tassels from all of the short corn, so that only the tall corn is fertilizing the field. A machine has gone through these fields and cut off most of the tassels, but if even a single tassel is missed, it can fertilize an acre of corn and ruin thousands of dollars, maybe even millions of dollars worth of corn. That is why the seed company is willing to pay our crew to walk through and remove any remaining tassels.”

This person is holding an immature tassel wrapped in a tight bundle of leaves
This person is holding an immature tassel wrapped in a tight bundle of leaves

“Now, the tassels don’t look like what you are used to seeing,” interrupted Dick Briggs. “Right now, they look like this.” He held up his stalk of corn and pulled the top bundle of leaves out. He handed the tassel to a worker, and asked that it be passed around. When it got to me, I examined it carefully. It looked like a tall flower which had not opened because it was wrapped in a thin spike of tightly wound green leaves. The bottom of the tassel was a pale green, almost white, and it was smooth as if it had been cut from the stalk by scissors. It was also wet.

So, we had to locate these tassels, pull them out, and throw them on the ground. I felt sure I could do this job well. The Briggs brothers began assigning each worker to a row of corn. “Put on your garbage bags,” barked the brothers. I watched the workers on either side of me punch three holes in their garbage bags, and then pull them over their clothes. One worker actually had a raincoat she pulled out. I whispered to a black girl with a raincoat in the next row, “Why are we wearing these garbage bags or rain coats?”

“The corn is wet until about mid-morning, so you will be soaked to the bone, if you don’t wear it,” she responded. “You will get wet anyway with only a garbage bag. Also, you should also have longer sleeves for your arms. You are going to get eaten alive.”

Horrified, I exclaimed, “By what!?”

“Oh, don’t worry. If you are thinking about bugs, you will see them, but they don’t usually bite. It’s the corn leaves. They give you a corn rash.”

She was wearing a gray long sleeved T-shirt under her raincoat.

“What is corn rash?” I asked, but before she could answer, the supervisors yelled for our attention. A moment later, they blew a whistle, indicating that it was time to begin. I began walking along my row, pushing aside the thick cover of leaves, scanning for hidden tassels. The rough surface of the corn leaves was immediately noticeable as they brushed against my uncovered arms, legs, and face. Every once in a while, a leaf would get you at just the wrong angle and give you a small slice in your skin with its sharp edge.

After about 15 feet, I found my first errant tassel. I gripped two gloved fists around the underdeveloped top of the corn stalk, and pulled with all of my strength. With a “plup” sound, the tassel flew out, sending me back a step. I looked inside the space, a small perfectly round hole, where the tassel had been. It had pulled out cleanly. You had to make sure it pulled out cleanly. My first success. I continued along the row picking up speed as I became more confident.

The corn was tall enough that it was only possible to see the people in the rows on either side of my own. The two people in the rows next to mine were experienced workers, and they had pulled way ahead of me. I had been hoping for a little conversation. I heard them laughing in the distance, and tried to work faster to catch up. But moving faster resulted in more minor corn-related injuries. Who knew the hazards of corn? Everyone else I was working with apparently.

A detasseler who is well prepared for the job with a hat, sun visor, sweatshirt, and gloves
A detasseler who is well prepared for the job with a hat, sun visor, sweatshirt, and gloves

Just as my coworker suggested, the leaves were coated with both droplets of water and what seemed like a coarse dust. Their edges were razor-thin, and they sliced at my skin, leaving behind a small smear of wet grainy corn dust. Sometimes, the cuts were deeper, drawing a thin line of blood. It didn’t take long to collect scratches along my cheeks, but most were in the crook of my arm on the fatty skin near my elbows. In no time, my skin reddened and swelled. This was corn rash, and it both itched and burned. My second mental note, wear longer sleeves. Meanwhile, I tried to ignore the discomfort by focusing on the corn. I learned to scan with quick intensity looking for the long, thick tassel bundles, because the supervisor had said that just one tassel could cost a million dollars. I didn’t want to let anyone down.

It didn’t take long to become soaking wet from dew, even with the garbage bag on. I would have to try to get a raincoat from my grandma. Wet as I was, I was becoming thirstier and thirstier. I realized that my water bottle was on the bus. I would have to wait for a drink until we had cleaned a row ending near the bus. Rows were approximately a quarter-mile, but it took a while to scan the corn as you walked. I was feeling the weight of my inexperience, feeling how unprepared I was for this job.

By mid-morning, the corn was dry and the sun burned hot on the black plastic of my garbage bag protection. It began to feel as though I was being cooked. I tore off the garbage bag and stuffed it in the back pocket of my jean shorts. Most noticeably, the top of my head, my nose, and my ears were becoming hot in the sun. A novice to the fields, I had not worn a hat or even brought along sunscreen. My thin blond hair provided little protection to my scalp. I managed to borrow some sunscreen for my face and arms, because sunburn was beginning to set in on top of the irritating corn rash. I also received permission to run back to the buses to fetch my water bottle. By now, the busses were several hundred yards away. I nearly finished drinking my water supply on the walk back, and it was not even lunchtime. When I returned to the site where workers were resting, I realized that some people had been placing a milk jug filled with water at the end of their row. Most had names written on them. There were a lot of little secrets to field work.

I couldn’t see the burns, but I was told they was even some bleeding.
I couldn’t see the burns, but I was told they was even some bleeding.

The rest of the day was exhausting. The sun continued to burn my scalp, and when I reached up to touch it, I could feel blisters which easily popped to seep fluid. If the corn leaves had seemed sharp in the morning, the afternoon sun dried them into perfect blades. I was so relieved to see the sun beginning to set. The Briggs brothers ran ahead of the work crew and drove the buses closer to us. The 45-minute ride home was relaxing, but muscles throughout my body began to stiffen. I asked the girl with the raincoat to sit by me.

“What’s your name?” I asked as I thanked her for her advice during the day.

“Katrice,” she responded. “Where do you go to school?”

“I go to West Junior, but I live on the East side.”

“Really? Where?”

As I described where I lived, Katrice became excited.

“I don’t live too far from you. Maybe I could get a ride from you to the parking lot where we meet the buses?”

I felt immediately bad, and cast my eyes to the floor. “Oh, I am staying by my grandmas, and she lives close by the strip mall parking lot. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I understand. Hey, when you put your head down just now, I saw some nasty blisters on your scalp.” She was right. The fat, fluid-filled bubbles had popped, crusted over, and taken on a nasty appearance. It was a good thing I couldn’t see it.

Once Grandma had collected me from the parking lot, I told her that I needed a list of items for work. It took a few moments to build my courage, because Grandma could be cross when confronted with unexpected stress or demands. I showed her my scalp, and she gasped. She noticed that my ears were also blistered. By now, it was clear I had sustained a deep sunburn. Instead of going straight home, we drove to a discount store and purchased a baseball cap, a bandana, two gallons of water, and strong sunscreen.

I was filthy, so grandma recommended a bath. My skin was burnt, scratched, cut, and covered in a corn rash, so I used cooler bath water than usual. It felt so good to be clean even as my whole body seemed to sting. Grandma told me she would wash my hair, and afterward she put first aid cream on my scalp. Heat pulsed through my scalp, ears, and face.

After some dinner, I watched Grandma sew the new bandana around the baseball cap so it would cover my ears and neck. She placed it on my head and laughed, pulling me toward the mirror. We both thought I looked like an odd Muammar Gaddafi . Grandma gave me some aspirin for pain relief, and I became unable to keep my eyes open. Tonight, I would fall asleep without a problem.

A shoe stuck in the mud

The next two days it rained; the soil grew into a thick and sticky mud. As I trudged down row after row of stalks, my shoes became caked with mud; my feet became harder to lift. Still, you had to move quickly down the row, because falling behind could mean a reprimand. Eventually, the mud sucked one of my shoes entirely off my foot. I could not pull the shoe out, so I just left it.

Behind me, the field supervisor broke through a row of corn and stood in the dirt pathway. His walkie-talkie crackled loudly, and I jumped.

“Good job, Megivern,” he stated. “I’ve been periodically checking your row, and you haven’t missed any tassels.” He had no idea that my obsessive compulsive tendencies would never have allowed me to miss a tassel.

“Thank you, sir.” I was sheepish, embarrassed by the attention from authority, but more worried that he would notice my entirely bare foot. He didn’t, and he pushed through the corn row to check on the next worker.

It went on and on like this. Day after day. Only three more weeks of this job, and I would earn $500. Doing this job was supposed to be a rite of passage for an Iowa teen. I wasn’t navigating it very well in terms of wear and tear on my body, but I did earn the money.

I used the money to buy our family a banana yellow station wagon with large brown rust spots. We finally had a car again for the first time in two years.

Not the exact station wagon, but a close facsimile. Also, it needs more rust.
Not the exact station wagon, but a close facsimile. Also, it needs more rust.

All of the Belief in My Ugliness Began Here

Picture of foods I associate with binging and ugliness

My mother had promised that I would outgrow my baby fat. Wishful thinking. I slapped at my tummy fat then headed to the living room for my daily ritual of self-degradation in front of the mirror. My mother said that the mirrors made our otherwise small home look bigger. She was right. Without these mirrors, the cramped space would have been more confining.

I started binging in about the 2nd grade grade to deal with stress — This is a 5th grade picture of me
I started binging in about the 2nd grade grade to deal with stress — This is 5th grade

 

Examining each of my body parts in the mirror, I decided that my legs were satisfactory, nice even. Muscular from the years spent riding my bicycle in the morning for my paper route. On the other hand, I could barely stand to evaluate my abdominal area stretching from just under my breasts to the swell of my hips. Round, curving well beyond the width of my thighs. It appeared that I had swallowed a life-preserver. I pushed the fat on my hips in to get a sense of my potential, but it simply crept between my widespread fingers. Perhaps if my thighs were also large, it would not look so funny.

My eyes were a deep blue, and might have been a nice feature. However, my relatives laughed about my “mouse eyes” when I was growing up. I tried to be good-natured, and laugh along with them, but I wasn’t sure what they meant by calling them that. Having many mice living in the walls of my bedroom, I had seen their eyes. They were black and large. My eyes were relatively small, and certainly not that dark.

My hair was thin and limp. The only perm I had had was long gone. Sweat only melted my straight hair onto my scalp. On another day I had taken brown construction paper and cut it into several skinny strips. Next, I had held the paper behind my head to estimate what I would look like with longer hair. Not bad. Instead, my hair had been literally shorn following an incident at the beginning of the summer. I thought bleaching one’s hair meant using chlorine bleach. The process of allowing the bleach to soak into my hair while absorbing the sun resulted in a straw-like texture. The strands were dead, and short of shaving my head altogether I had begged the beauty school student to rescue what she could.

A picture of my 7th grade picture when I finally got positive feedback from some peers about my appearance, so I focused less on ugliness

A picture of my 7th grade picture when I finally got positive feedback from some peers about my appearance

Despite my regular critiques in front of the mirror, I avoided looking at my backside when I could. A new friend had told me I had a flat ass. When she told me I might have trouble getting a boyfriend, I spent as many days as I could propping my lower cheeks onto the back of chairs in an effort to push them up. By my assessment, this process wasn’t really helping. I knew of no other options.

As penance for having such an unattractive appearance, I obsessively went through the motions of several hundred jumping jacks. My breasts hurt from the jarring motion. They were large — had been since second grade as far as I could tell from old pictures. I knew that this was considered an asset in terms of attracting a boy, but not in the presence of my other more obvious faults. Luckily, having a temporary job broke up the summer a little bit.

After picture. 8th grade

After picture. 8th grade (Sorry about image quality. Our family didn’t own a camera. This was a cracked Polaroid)

Thus, I spent the summer before 8th grade exercising as often as possible, living on grapefruit slices and Crystal Light lemonade. It worked though. By the time school started, I had accomplished two things. I had lost a lot of weight including the bubble around my belly. And I had sown the seeds of binge eating disorder, the least talked about, but most common eating disorder.

But, the truth is, the eating disorder has begun many years before, maybe as far back as 2nd grade. There were bullies. There was teasing. There was stuffing myself with food to substitute for not having friends. The belief in ugliness grew from the seed they planted. I couldn’t seem to stop keeping it alive.

The Way Boys Show You Love Can Really Hurt

Remember 7th grade? Boys should be past the point of punching girls when they have a crush, but when the boy is a gawky, studious type, and the girl is a late bloomer, school yard tactics can govern behavior. Brad was a classic nerd from his calculator watch to his unflattering glasses. After years of being in the “awkward stage,” I had finally started to take on a couple attractive features.

A picture of me playing the violin with my long, stringy hair
A picture which shows my long, stringy hair

A picture of how I looked after getting my hair styled
The proverbial after picture where my hair has been styled

I cajoled my mother into letting me cut my long, stringy hair that just seemed to plaster itself to my skull at the part only to hang thin and limp down my back. The new hairdo, a perm, gave my head a full mane of loose curls. My hair looked thicker, lighter, and for some reason, it even seemed to make me look much older. Rounding out the new look, my mother was letting me wear a faint layer of eye makeup, mascara, and lip gloss.

Last year, when the relatively unattractive Ben W., had found out I had a crush on him, word came back he was grossed out. This year was different. Boys were suddenly paying attention to me. One of the boys who seemed to gaze longer than he should, who could be caught staring, and who seemed to pop up in the same places I did, was Brad P.

Early on in the school year, before the air smelled faintly of decaying leaves and the wind determined whether 40 degrees was tolerable or not, I walked into math class, went to sit down, and kept going down. Brad P. had pulled out my chair as I was about to sit on it, as a joke. I struggled to catch my breath. The jolt had run through my body, forcing my spine into my skull. The neck pain was temporary. A hot sensation emanated both up my spine and down my legs. My tailbone hadn’t broken, but it was sending confusing signals to my nerves. I willed my eyes not to water. I was not going to cry in front of other students.

The teacher sent me to the school nurse, who laid me down, and gave me an ice pack. She called my mom who came to pick me up from school. In those days, this could mean anything. She would ask my father’s friend, Loris, a man of questionable mental status, a traveling hoarder’s den in his van, and a bad temper. Or she would ask her friend Sue, a woman weighing at least 400 pounds, who had five children and a bad ass attitude. I liked Sue a lot. The only thing my mom couldn’t do was pick me up in our own car, because we stopped having one when I was in 5th grade.

Today, mom came by the school alone, and informed me we had to walk home. It was painful to walk, but the ice had helped. Now, one might think the next stop would be the doctor, but not in this family. My mother was the daughter of a chiropractor, and even if this had been an injury to my arm, I would have got on the city bus to the chiropractor. The fact that it was my back just left no room to question the decision.

Dr. Wagner did an x-ray, determining there was no break. My mother chattered on and on. It was always hard to tell if the service providers, cashiers, or bus drivers enjoyed her need to fill the silence. Dr. Wagner started his adjustment. Was it throbbing? Burning? Gnawing pain? Whatever it was, he manipulated my back in a way that caused feelings I’d never experienced during my dozens of previous adjustments. When I declared at the end of the cracks and pops that I was still in pain, Dr. Wagner announced this was probably going to take months to repair. This began my year of the chiropractor, buses, and stolen magazines.

Second-hand Stores Used To Be Mocked

picture of a second hand store

I lowered my head, so my chin touched my chest. Hugging the store front window as I walked toward the entrance of Goodwill, I allowed my mother to serve as a barrier so that I would not be seen. I muttered to my mother:

“I hate coming here. Someone will see me, and they will tell everyone in school. This is going to be my first year in middle school, and I don’t want it to be ruined.”

“Anyone who sees you here must need to shop here as well,” she reasoned.

“But that won’t stop them from driving by and seeing us here.” I slipped into the door, relieved to be off the street. Although I did not want to shop in a secondhand store, the excitement of finding fashionable clothing became the focus of my attention. I left my mother in the shelves dedicated to young boys, and headed for the girl’s clothing.

At the circular racks of clothing, I pulled apart two shirts to allow a full view of an eye-catching red shirt. There was a large stain on the lower right side of this otherwise stylish shirt. In disappointment, I moved onto the next few items. Critiquing each shirt, I passed over most of the selections. There were two shirts and a dress that looked like they would fit in with what my classmates were wearing. In particular, there was a long-sleeved, pastel yellow t-shirt with rainbow colors on the sleeves. This was a rare find, because shirts like these were considered quite popular.

At the changing room, I found that the shirts stretched tightly around my chest. Frustration built as I realized these items did not fit. Revisiting the clothing racks, I spent over an hour looking for other decent clothes. My mom and I left after spending $4 for a skirt and two shirts for me, and a few dollars for my brothers’ clothing.

Pictures of racks of clothes in the second-hand store

The next day, I adorned myself with a pale green shirt with small flowers. I put on my new skirt, an ivory fabric with large yellow patterns on it. I was excited about having new clothes, and I had just gotten new white tennis shoes to top off the outfit. My clothing may not have been name brand, but I felt more confidence from my feminine look. To up the ante, I added sky blue eyeshadow and plum blush to my face.

In Mr. Lincoln’s classroom, I spent every afternoon learning social studies and English.

“You look nice today, Deborah” said Mr. Lincoln. I felt a rush of pride. The fact that this nice teacher had noticed my appearance made me feel attractive. This interaction was enough for me to develop a small yearlong crush on Mr. Lincoln.

During our lunchtime recess, several girls who were considered popular approached me. For a second, I was exhilarated; obviously, they were coming to include me in their clique, because I had new clothes.

“Where did you get that outfit?” Dawn sneered. “It is so ugly, and it does not match.” She was wearing expensive jeans with a pink polo shirt. Her light blonde hair was feathered back from her face.

Dana chimed in to say,

“You need to tell your mom to buy you a bra, because you are totally drooping.”

Finally, another member of the group pointed to my shoes. I don’t remember who she was, because I could not lift my eyes to their faces. She declared, “Those came from a secondhand store.”

“They did not. My mom bought them at JC Penney’s,” I protested.

Dawn, the undisputed leader of this girl group, concluded their sentiments by saying,

“You always smell bad. I doubt you will ever have a boyfriend. It sucks that my locker is right next to yours.”

I didn’t bother to respond, because of the lump in my throat. I spent the rest of the day staring at the ground, not sustaining enough energy to lift my head. On the way home from school, Dawn and her friend Dana followed behind me.

“You’re a loser, and you’ll never have any friends.” Despite my fear, I told them to leave me alone. Another girl was walking down the grass on the other side of the road. She called out, “Is everything all right?” She hastily crossed the street, and stood beside me. I recognized her as the girl who belonged to a strange religion. She was required to wear a dress or a skirt every day, and she could not cut her hair.

Dawn and Dana whispered, making snide evaluations in audible undertones. Nonetheless, they walked away, leaving me with my savior.

“Hi, my name is Ginger. I have seen you walk home a few times, and I was just wondering where you live.”

I hesitated, because telling her where I lived could end this conversation quickly. People didn’t tend to like people who lived in the government housing project they built in the middle of a middle class neighborhood.

“My family lives in the new duplexes next to Blackhawk Elementary school.”

Ginger smiled and told me that was quite close to her house, and invited me to walk home with her. As we talked, it became clear I might make a new friend.

When I finally reached the safety of our apartment, I shed the new clothes. They went into the closet, never to be worn again.

It’s Not Even Safe To Go To Church

The mega-church we attended has closed and reopened as Cedar Valley Community Church (Source: Cedar Valley Community Church)
The mega-church we attended has closed and reopened as Cedar Valley Community Church (Source: Cedar Valley Community Church)

David and Daniel ran inside and yelled, “There’s a big blue bus outside, and it’s taking people to church. They said they have video games. Can we go?”

“Video games in a church?” Mom called back from the kitchen. “Seems inappropriate. You can go if Deborah goes with you to supervise.”

Looking up from my book, nonplussed, I faced a barrage of begging from the boys.

“Fine, fine, if the bus is still there by the time I put on something that is worthy of church, you win,” I acquiesced. We headed to the bus and sat with a few other apartment kids we knew teasing each other until the bus driver apparently decided enough of us had been recruited.

Once we got to the Cedarloo Evangelical Church*, the youth services leader took our bus of kids on a tour of the church building. We had to wait our turn to start the tour, because there were apparently other buses of kids coming from other parts of the city. The church was massive with the best part being the extra big youth lounge. It had a beverage bar, cable TV, three stand-alone video game machines, ice cream and popcorn station, and comfy chairs.

They informed us the church preferred children 12 and up to attend the service with the adults. There were separate services for children 6–11. “Oh great guys. I have to go off by myself, while you have each other,” I whispered to David and Daniel. David spoke too loudly in return, “Why don’t you just sneak into the kid’s group with us?”

“I can’t. I already look three years older than I am. They will never buy that I am 11. I guess I will see you at the bus after the service. Believe me, I will miss you.” Most people seemed to be working hard to get a seat up close to the minister. This made it easy to hug the end of a row of chairs at the back near the vestibule. I grabbed both a hymnal and Bible to bury my face in. This would allow me to avoid any unnecessary conversations.

The service was going well until they passed this large gold plates up and down the aisles expecting people to put money on them. The money collector had large, gold-rimmed glasses far exceeding the radius of his small eyes. The excessive spectacles came to a stop just under the busiest white brows I’d seen since an Einstein poster. He handed me the gold plate with the cloth bowl in the center of it. I stood up, walked a couple of feet, and passed it along to the person on my left. When I returned to my seat, the old man who had handed me the plate leaned over from his post at my end of the pew.

“You know, little girl, you should always have something to give to God. Here’s your offering.” He reached into his pocket and then pressed a quarter into my hand. Once he retrieved his gold plate, he came to me and asked me to put the quarter in it.

On the bus ride home, someone from the church announced that we should invite our parents to come to church or just keep coming on the bus ourselves. Running into the apartment in a noisy whirlwind, Mama asked us about how it went. I told her about getting charity so I could give a tithe to the Lord. The boys told her about how much they loved playing with the video games. The boys begged her to start making this our regular Sunday church. Mama agreed to give it a try.

The bus which came to pick up kids in the apartments to take them to Cedarloo Evangelical didn’t pick up adults. City buses didn’t run on Sundays. Mama got the brilliant idea to walk as a family to the church. She pointed out it would be good exercise. About half of the two miles to church did not have a sidewalk, and we trudged along a four-lane street with fairly steady traffic.

Mama always taught us God wanted us to be poor. She showed us the verse in the Bible,

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven (Mark 10:25)

There was more in Matthew and Isaiah. They were Bible verses I clung to feel good about being poor.

The minister preached, “Jesus taught us that the poor will always be with us.There will always be some people who cannot or will not work hard enough to earn the riches this Earth provides as a gift from God. Amen. (The congregation repeated, “Amen”). You can always find the strength to work through our Lord by coming here on the Lord’s Sabbath day for restoration and healing.” He kept going, but I heard nothing else he said.

A sharp pain tore through my abdomen doubling me over in pain. Although very hungry with a growling stomach, it felt as though I needed to expel everything from my body. My cheeks were on fire. The skin of my back of my hands pulled taut as I clenched them into tight fists. I knew now there was nowhere safe for me to go. Even in the house of the Lord, being poor meant being degraded and insulted.

**A pseudonym

The Time I Was Found Guilty of Child Neglect When I Was a Child

A memoir must be brutally honest. For years, I lived in shame about this charge of child neglect. At this point, enough therapists have helped me see how broken the child welfare system is to have ever treated a child this way. Ask yourself: How would this be handled in a middle class or upper class neighborhood?

A young black boy who lived in the apartments pounded on our front door. Breathlessly, he said,

“Your brother is getting beat up in the church parking lot by some of the neighborhood boys.”

This wasn’t surprising. The kids who lived outside our fenced duplexes had parents who had protested the building of low-income housing in their community. There was a trailer court on the other side of the back fence of the government property, so they must have felt they had enough poor people in their area.

There were maybe 35–40 units in our complex, and only 10–15 units had African American families living in them. There’s no polishing the truth that even that small number of black families moving into this middle class neighborhood angered the white residents. Their concerns about property values hung heavily on their fears of how black residents affect perceptions of the class level of the community. They spoke of crime and drugs becoming a potential problem in the government housing, and their racism magnified their concerns. I heard all of this with my own two ears and felt surrounded by racist people. I felt sick to my stomach on a regular basis.

Perennially trying to fit in with others in school, I hid the fact that I lived in the apartments — instead accepting invitations to one neighborhood girl’s house who seemed willing to accept me. At her home, I overheard her parents talking about the “trash in the government housing.” From her father, I learned about how people felt about black people moving into the neighborhood. I also heard about what he thought about me moving into the neighborhood.

“It’s not like the white trash they’ve got living there is any better. They just bring in their drugs and their lazy, promiscuous culture into our neighborhood. We tried to organize against having them built over here, but it didn’t work.”

I was crushed. This man hated people who lived in the apartments, and he might find out that I lived in the apartments. He might not let me play with his daughter. I didn’t want to lose my only friend at school. I just slipped home, and hid where I lived from everyone at school.

However, on this particular day, with one of the apartment kids pounding on our door with the news of my 10 year old brother, David’s beat down, I reacted without thinking. I turned to my 8 year old brother, Daniel, and asked him to stay with our 4 yr younger brother and toddler sister while I went to help. I told him I would be right back.

I took off, wearing my roller skates, because I always wore my roller skates, just like the character, Tootie, on the sitcom, “Facts of Life”. This was in the days before in-line skates. Mine looked like sneakers on four fat wheels. I had had only one major accident when I couldn’t stop coming down a hill in time to avoid hitting a woman turning her car in front of me. Because of this accident, I no longer had the piece of skin that most people have between the gums and the upper lip. I guess it’s called a frenulum.

The fight was occurring in the church parking lot across the street from Blackhawk Elementary school. It took me only a few minutes to skate there. About five boys were gathered around my brother and the bully who were dancing around each other in a circle, throwing punches alternating with just swinging their arms wildly. I broke through the circle and yelled,

“Hey, David, you have to come home. Mom and Dad said so.”

I wanted to get him out of the fight without making him seem like a coward or like he needed to be rescued. It would only make his social situation in the neighborhood worse. I pulled at his arm,

“Seriously, you will get beaten with a belt by dad if you don’t get home.”

I really wished my dad was at home, but he had to work. So, did mom. They were frequently gone anyway. They spent time at Hardee’s drinking coffee with a small group of people who hung out there for hours. I tried to make good decisions about raising the kids. I wasn’t making the best ones right now.

Suddenly, I was shoved from behind, and one of my skates hit a rock on the parking lot cement. I flew forward, knocking my brother over. Two of the boys who had been watching the fight started helping my brother’s adversary by kicking David as he laid on the ground. They kicked me as well. I really shouldn’t have tried to break up a fight in my skates. However, I just never took them off, except at school, baths, and sleep. These boys were smaller than me, and I was pretty sure I could fight them off, but I couldn’t get to my feet. Then, full of horror, I saw my brother, Daniel, start punching the boy that David had been fighting. I got to my feet, punched at one boy, and screamed with blood curdling seriousness,

“David and Daniel, it is time to go home.”

All of the neighborhood boys ran off.

Turning to Daniel, I hissed,

“What are you doing here? I told you to stay with TJ and John? I told you I would take care of it.”

Daniel’s loyalty to David was absolute. Daniel followed me down there, because he thought he needed to fight.

“I left John with TJ. He was watching her.”

I asked him if he was nuts. John was too young. As we walked home wincing in pain, we accessed our injuries. There were bruises, swelling bumps, some cuts, a bloody nose, and a general state of filthiness. Mom and Dad weren’t due back for a couple of hours, so we had time to clean up, and they would be sympathetic anyway, because they knew none of us was the type to start fights.

When we got to our duplex, there were two police cars outside with their red lights reflecting off of every apartment in the cul-de-sac. I couldn’t believe those boys had the nerve to call the police on us. We were the victims of their bullying. The police don’t do anything about bullies or else we would have tried to call them ourselves.

When I stepped into the house, two officers immediately started to search me and then handcuffed me. One of the officers was in a regular police uniform. The other one was a blonde woman in a pant suit with a badge pinned to her jacket. She kept us all standing in the tiny foray of the front door. It was a good thing it was summer or our coats hanging behind the door would have taken too much space to allow all of us to stand there.

Pantsuit asked all the questions, while the man in the police uniform stood next to her frowning.

“Where have you been? The sun has just set, and you’ve been off roller skating when your brother, John, says you are supposed to be babysitting him.”

She didn’t seem to notice how disheveled, dirty, and injured we all were. Her tone was sharp and angry.

“That is true, officer. I am babysitting. But, I wasn’t out roller skating. I was trying to rescue my brother from being beat up by some boys in the neighborhood over at the church parking lot.”

She had wrinkles that came from too much time in the sun. Her hair was light blonde with what appeared to be gray steaks. Her eyes were narrow and her lips were pursed tightly in a scowl.

“You can’t come in here on roller skates, and tell me you haven’t been roller skating. Do you realize you have been gone for 20 minutes?”

Twenty minutes? How did that happen? It was supposed to be ten at most? I wasn’t good with estimating how long things would take, but I was surprised how long it took to rescue my brother.

“I asked my brother, Daniel, who is eight, to watch John and TJ, but he just came down to the fight. I know eight isn’t very old, but I was watching my little brothers when I was eight for short amounts of time. I thought it would be okay. I thought I would be right back.” I was puzzled. How could that all have taken 20 whole minutes? It must have though.

I felt so ashamed I cast my eyes to the floor. She knew she had gotten to me. She seemed pleased that I was feeling so upset.

“Well, one of your neighbors heard your sister crying at the top of her lungs, and she called us. So, your judgment in leaving your eight year old brother to babysit was very poor. Where is your mom? Typical government housing residents… at the bar?”

Picture of the Des Moines Register article about the child welfare system encounter our family had

Okay, now I was upset with her, and not thinking about what I did. My consciousness of poverty bashing was keen ever since being in the newspaper for going to foster care based on poverty. Many people had responded to the Des Moines Register article negatively with ridicule and shaming comments.

“My mom and dad are both at work. My mom works as a proofreader at a newspaper in Cedar Falls. My dad is a janitor for Operation Threshold. My dad works until midnight, but my mom should be getting home anytime now.”

This woman was really starting to piss me off. I didn’t appreciate her nasty comments about my parents or her attitude toward me.

“How old are you? If you are not 14, you need to be certified to be a babysitter in the state of Iowa,” Pantsuit snapped.

I had gone through the week-long training at one of the local hospitals in order to get the certificate.

“I’m 12, and I am certified. I babysit other people’s children, besides my brothers and sister. I’m very sorry about what happened. I just didn’t know what to do with this situation, I guess.”

Pantsuit gave a derisive snort of agreement,

“You certainly didn’t. They should take your babysitting certificate away from you.”

My angry shot through me starting at my fingers as my hands clenched, and my toes, and my feet tightened. I couldn’t control myself,

“Why are you being such a bitch? What would you have done in this situation?”

Pantsuit looked shocked, immediately turning red.

“You’ll pay for that, you idiot child.”

She opened our screen door and left. The other officers milled around our living room. Our apartment manager showed up, and pretty soon, the police officers and our manager were searching our apartment. During this chaos, my mother came home.

She started to cry right away, scared that she was going to lose custody of her children again, because a child protection worker would be called in. The police and the apartment manager finished searching the apartment. They left with nothing. The building manager stopped my mother to tell her that she would be written up for storing her pots and pans in the oven. Eventually, everyone was gone. I finally had the chance to tell mom what actually happened.

She believed me. She knew I wore my roller skates absolutely all the time. She knew about the bullies in the neighborhood. She forgave me for not knowing what to do.

A few days later, a child abuse investigator scheduled a visit with my parents, while I was at school. He never spoke to me. The investigator filed his report, and a copy came in the mail to our house. The report said that there was an “incident of child neglect perpetrated by Debra Megivern.” My name was Deborah. I was a 12 year old child abuser, only 11 years old a month before. According to the babysitting certificate law, I couldn’t babysit anymore.

Copy of the Child Welfare report showing me charged with child neglect

Segment of the child welfare report finding me guilty of child neglect

Just Before the State Took Us Away: A Memoir Excerpt

I was dirty. Ink-covered hands, ink-smeared face, clothes worn multiple times without laundering, and boots thick with muddy snow. Not just today, but everyday. I was so sleepy, too. At night, I had what doctors called “growing pains” that kept me awake late into the night writhing in agony. When the alarm went off 3:45 a.m. to start work in the morning, my father had to literally lift me up to my feet to rouse me. It was hard not to doze off in the afternoon. It was not going unnoticed either. Without my awareness, my 5th grade teacher started taking notes on my condition sometime in mid-October.

I wasn’t the only one being monitored. My brothers, David and Daniel, each had a teacher taking down her observations of their appearance and behavior. No one in our family was aware of the surveillance.

Earlier in the year, my parents were cut off of Aid to Dependent Children for Unemployed Parents (AFDC-UP). When Ronald Reagan was elected President, he promised to get rid of those welfare queens by cutting back on their “generous” benefits. In the spirit of getting those lazy bums to work, the entire AFDC-UP program was eliminated.

It was the middle of the 1980s Farm Crisis that spurred Willie Nelson to start Farm Aid. We were living in an exurb of Waterloo, IA, a city where over 10,500 had just lost their jobs. My unemployed parents were not finding any full-time jobs. My mom had a teacher’s license for K-12, so she was a substitute teacher when called. Dad just kept applying for jobs to no avail. Unable to pay our rent, we moved into my grandpa’s abandoned farmhouse.

These notes were taken by a teacher about my now-deceased brother, David

These notes were taken by a teacher about my now-deceased brother, David
These notes were taken by a teacher about my now-deceased brother, David

The farmhouse had a wood-burning stove, but it only kept the basement warm. If you came down the staircase, the stove was on your right. On your left, all seven of us moved into a small cement room covered in mattresses and sleeping bags. The wood-burning stove served as an actual stove as well. Over the summer of 1981, we had planted three enormous gardens, and then canned the yield for the winter. It was this food we warmed on the stove.

Excerpt from Child Protection worker’s report

Excerpt from Child Protection worker’s report

It wasn’t enough food though, as evidenced by the fact the teachers were taking notes that my brothers and I were getting food from other students, and not in the most dignified of ways.

Excerpt from child abuse report referencing how we were undernourished

Excerpt from child abuse report referencing how we were undernourished

The gardens had been hard to maintain. My brother and I had to hoe every day for hours to keep the weeds from taking over the acre-plus of land we had planted. We were most excited about harvesting the popcorn. Unfortunately, my brother didn’t listen to my parents when they said always wear shoes while you are gardening, and he hoed his toenail right off his big toe. He screamed so loudly it might have actually been heard on one of the neighboring farms. But, no one came, so I was alone and frantic in helping him.

At first, moving to the farmhouse had been exciting. My brothers, David and Daniel, who were like twins with bright, blonde hair and big blue eyes, were my best friends. We had two more siblings, a 3 yr. old brother named John and a baby sister named Taimi, but they hadn’t been part of our threesome. So, David, Daniel, and I explored all of the land where my mother had grown up. There were two giant pits that used to be out buildings until they burned down. The fires had been a big part of the reason Grandpa’s business making RVs failed. For years now, everyone had thrown their garbage into the pits, but they were still about seven feet deep.

For a short while, my uncle had also lived in the farmhouse. He had built an enormous tree house for his sons. We were warned to stay away from it, because it was no longer safe. After climbing up to examine it, we decided the deteriorated wood was indeed hazardous, so we stayed away. There was still a large grove of trees where honeysuckle, strawberries, and blackberries grew. Here, we found trees with long hanging branches you could run and grab, launching yourself 20 feet through the air, to land like Tarzan. There was even a small creek at the back edge of the property, and I pretended I was the characters from the Bridge to Terebithia children’s book, calling a small patch of land in the middle of the creek my Terebithia.

Now that it was winter, my paper route and my brother’s paper route were the only other income in the family besides mom’s substitute teaching. Each route comprised half of the city of Denver, IA, so together we covered the whole city. He was eight. I was ten. The papers were delivered to our pick-up spot at 4:00 a.m. We were supposed to have them distributed by 6:30 a.m.

Now that we had been forced to move to the farmhouse by economics, we had to walk into the city to deliver the papers if mom and dad didn’t have gas money, which was pretty much all the time. It was a two-mile walk on top of the few miles around the city each route took. The wind blew in our faces, burning our cheeks. We each wiggled our toes to try to get warm blood to them, but it seemed our blood had iced up.

We were now frequently late, drawing complaints from customers who had long considered me a good paper deliverer (David was relatively new). I was heartbroken. My customers had always given me good tips when I came around to collect their dues. Now, they were angry. My highly developed sense of conscientiousness was frenzied to make it right. There was nothing to do to make it better.

Walking back to the farmhouse to catch the school bus, we didn’t have time to go into the house and clean up. We were almost the first kids to be picked up, so we rode around the countryside for nearly an hour before finally arriving at school, never having overcome the shivers.

What our teachers were seeing each day were ink-stained children. The ink of newspapers. I guess they assumed it was dirt. We also couldn’t clean up because we didn’t have running water most of the time. The pipes had frozen long ago. The temperature in the house was 38 degrees when the child protection worker measured it. This also made running our wringer washing machine impossible. No water, no clean wash. When she could gather together enough money, mama would take all the clothes into town to the laundromat. She used the giant machines meant for bedspreads to do everyday clothes. It was cheaper.

The temperature was always hovering below zero outside during December that winter. To pass the time and feel less scared in the dark, I talked to myself out loud. I told stories about a princess named Ariel and her ongoing adventures. As I trudged around giving customers their paper, my eyes watered in the cold, only to cause my eyelashes to freeze together. I pried them open with rigid, white fingers pulled from gloves insufficient to their job.

I could understand why it took my brother so long to take off his layers of sweaters as he sat in his classroom. His teacher noted, “I had to remind him every period to take them off.” It seemed to take hours to defrost the extremities, but even the internal organs felt fairly iced over. All of this, out of context, was being noted by the teachers, building to the big day.

The Night My Mom Was Going To Burn Down The House

Picture of burned out farmhouse to signify the domestic violence threat

David, pulled at my arm in panic.

“Come now, Mom and Dad are outside and they’re fighting again. This time is very scary. They are hitting each other.”

I knew they had been fighting. I had watched them fight for years. This time I had been watching from the large windows of the living room, balanced against partially rusted iron coils of an old heat register. Since their fights usually ended without anyone getting seriously hurt, I was hesitant to get involved.

But, David was right. This time was very scary. So, I ran, following my brother David outside, down the wooden porch stairs and onto the circular gravel cul-de-sac where my parents were throwing punches at each other.

“Stop it!”

First, I yelled it. Then, I screamed it. It went unheard. As the fighting escalated, and mom scratched long thin bloody lines in his face and on his arm, my dad grabbed my mom around her neck and tightened his grip.

I screamed again,

“What are you doing?”

Without thinking, I jumped onto his back and began pounding, holding on by wrapping my legs around his waist. Then, David with all of his 8-yr old might began kicking his legs at my dad’s calves. Dad let mom go, and she ran up the quarter mile dirt driveway past the grove of trees on her right, and the row of bushes that separated our land from the neighbors on the left. She was heading toward Highway 63.

What had been a hot, sticky late August day was cooling into a chilly night as the sun lowered.

“Everybody in the house, now,”

my father commanded. He was breathing heavily, and his blue eyes were red, but the boom of his authority was clear.

“Your mother is very sick right now, and we are not safe.”

Not safe. That didn’t sound right. Mom definitely hadn’t been herself. She hadn’t been one of her selves. She had been depressed and making horrible remarks. What was there about my mom that could be unsafe?

We followed my father back into the house, saying nothing. Both my brother, John, a toddler, and TJ, an infant, were crying inside. John was crying because he had crawled his way into the corner of the living room where the fireplace had once been and onto the shiny white decorated rocks that remained after the unit was removed. His little knees were reddened with scratches clearly seen as he sat with his diapered bottom on the sharply pointed rocks.

Five month old TJ was wailing in my parent’s bedroom in her crib for any number of reasons; she was wet, hungry, and hadn’t seen a caretaker in at least 15 minutes. I scooped up John first, and placed him on my left hip, already a natural baby carrying curve was well-formed on my 10 year old form.

Grabbing TJ next, I carried both babies into the middle of the brown and orange shag carpet that covered the living room. There was no furniture except for a wooden rocking chair. Leaving them briefly, I walked around the house rounding up baby changing supplies and yelling up to my two other brothers to come downstairs for a family meeting.

“I don’t know what is going on, but this is different than usual. They were really trying to hurt each other.”

Nearly six year old Daniel had been playing on the wooden floor of his otherwise barren room during all of the commotion. Rather than concentrating on the problem at hand, he kept saying,

“I’m hungry.”

I rolled my eyes in frustration and commanded David to watch them while I went outside to one of the three gardens I had helped to plant in late April and throughout May. I cut some cantaloupe and a few tomatoes. As a treat, I planned to use two heads of popcorn dried in the kitchen. After cutting up the fruit and veggie, giving a juicy piece to each sibling, I turned on the hot plate to prepare for popcorn making.

Dad came into the kitchen. With no curtains on any of the large windows, it was easy to see the sky had darkened past twilight. Only slender strips of remaining light were visible to the West. He pointed outside and said,

“It will soon by dark, and I want you to know that your mother is very dangerous right now. She may try to burn this house down.”

Then, he disappeared toward the basement.

We were all stunned into silence. “She wouldn’t do that,” I thought. But I wasn’t sure. I turned off the hot plate, took my fruit and tomato to my siblings and then let them down.

“I’m sorry guys, there isn’t going to be any popcorn.”

Daniel began to cry. They all had sticky wet fingers and dirty faces.

From the living room, there were three doorways, one was open and led to the kitchen. The others both had thick wooden doors. One heavy, brown door opened to the staircase that led upstairs. The final door led to another large room. This room off of the living room looked like it was permanently under construction. To the left of the doorway, my parents’ slept at the feet of my sister’s crib on military-issue sleeping bags my father had kept since his days in the service.

To the right of their bedroom doorway, sat an old, deep bathtub, the kind with four feet. There was also a small sink and a toilet. It’s hard to say who designed this farmhouse, but they didn’t seem to have put a bathroom in.

“We need to talk, gang. Come on, let’s go get cleaned up.”

I steered our group toward my parents’ room/everyone’s bathroom. I helped each child to wash their hands and face, then sat everyone down in a huddle. Even the babies were silent. Everyone seemed to know that there was trouble.

“Dad says that mom is coming back here, and she is in one of her moods. I think it is best if we all stay together, so everyone is sleeping in my room upstairs.”

Once again, I shuffled our group in herd-fashion, this time through the heavy door and up the stairs, shuttling everyone into my bedroom. On hot summer days, mom always opened all of the curtainless windows in each of the four upstairs bedrooms to try to get a breeze. As the night air had chilled, each of the rooms had actually become cold enough to give a shiver.

I walked around shutting windows with great difficulty. Each needed to have candle wax rubbed along the wooden tracks to make opening and shutting the wooden frames a smoother process. As it was, the windows heaved and stuck, requiring many attempts to get them fully closed. One window wouldn’t budge, so I jumped up to grab the top and pulled with all of my strength. I dangled from the window with my feet in the air trying to use all of my body weight, and still it did not move. That one would have to stay open.

Gathering all of the sleeping bags from my brothers’ rooms along with a couple of toys, I sat down again with my siblings in the bedroom, settling them in for bedtime.

I slept in fits and starts, jolted awake with the images of flames in my dreams. In time, my fear overcame the ability to sleep. A bit of light began to change the hue of the night sky. I just couldn’t wait until sunrise. I shook first, David and then, Daniel awake.

“We have to move someplace safer. If something happens to this house, we can’t be stuck upstairs,”

I whispered. We have to carry TJ and John downstairs.” Luckily, they were too tired to question what I meant by the house being in danger.

David helped me by picking up TJ, and I grabbed little John. We walked to the foot of the stairs, where I started to open the big brown door into the living room. Overcome with fear, I sat down on the last step instead, and asked the boys to sit down behind me. We huddled there as a group on the stairs, most falling back to sleep, for what seemed like hours. I kept my ear pressed to the door listening for signs of my mother’s return, hoping that she would not want to burn down the house.

Then, it came. A soft tapping on the window. Frozen for a moment, I pushed aside the boys who were resting against me. Slowly rising, so as not to wake TJ, sleeping on my lap, I turned the metal doorknob and peeked outside.

There was my mom, her face pressed against the window, trying to signal to me to unlock the front door. I hesitated before walking to the door, turning open the deadbolt, and letting her in. But, she didn’t want to come in. She took TJ from my arms and hissed,

“Get me the car keys.”

Outside, my mom walked around the house to the back where our family’s 1975 two-door gold Chevy Impala was parked. I walked through the house, grabbing the keys from the nail in the kitchen and bounded down the four steps that went to the back door.

Behind me were the steps to the basement where my father was sleeping. It was always cooler in the basement, and he could also smoke his Camel unfiltered cigarettes in the deepest corner of the second basement room where we stored our pickles after canning. He could close the door, and enjoy the puffs without getting too much of the smoke into the rest of the house.

I tried to quietly open the locks and then the metal screen door that had no screen. But, it creaked loudly, and my dad called out to me.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I called back tensely.

I ran out to my mother’s side at the driver’s door, and she fumbled with the keys while I held TJ. Just as she had fastened TJ into the child seat, and got the car started, my dad flew through the door.

He ran after the car, pounding on the doors, then the trunk, until she drove too quickly for him to keep up.

Turning to me he said,

“Well, I hope you are happy. Now, you are going to have to walk into town to do your paper route.”

Realizing he was right, I began to panic. It was already past the time in the morning that I needed to begin delivery of the Des Moines Register to most of the city of Denver, Iowa. In my two years on the job, I had done my share of oversleeping. Customers had complained about late papers before. I couldn’t afford more trouble. And the family could not afford to lose my income. It was all we were taking in.

I quickly dressed, grabbed my burlap paper carrier, and began running the two miles into town.

“Mama, Were You a Hippie?”

My mother circa mid 1970s
My mother circa mid 1970s

“Mama, were you a hippie?” I glanced up from folding bath towels.

“Gracious, no. What on earth gave you that idea?” Her hands went limp and fell to her lap as she laughed, preventing her from continuing to match socks momentarily.

Puzzled by her answer, I spewed my list of reasons quickly. “Well, you don’t wear fancy clothes or makeup. You wear your hair in braids. Or sometimes you wear bandannas.

“You’ll have to trust me that I was a little too old to be a hippie.”

Unwilling to accept her answer, I pressed on. “What about the way you make us eat health food and how you always make us go to the park to clean it or stop and pick up garbage by the side of the road? Weren’t you in the Peace Corps? You went to New Guinea.”

“No, dear, I went to New Guinea for the Lutheran church on a mission. I was helping to spread God’s love to the tribal peoples cheated of the chance to know Jesus.” She pushed her glasses back up her nose with the back of her hand.

My chest filled with excitement at hearing about a country so far away with people who lived in a jungle. “Tell me all about it.”

“Well, the first thing I learned was that it was ridiculous for any of us to be trying to convert these people to Christianity. They had their own beliefs, they were happy with them, and even when they came to Bible study at our school, it was more out of curiosity and a desire to learn English.”

All of the clothes were folded and sitting in piles on the table. We continued to talk as we moved around the apartment together putting away laundry in drawers and closets.

“Mama, I was hoping you would tell me more about what it was like for you. Not about the church stuff.”

“Okay, well, after you land at the airport in Australia, you take a smaller plane to an airstrip in New Guinea. When I got there I knew I was in trouble. I had to use the bathroom. I was greeted by more insects than I had ever seen in my life. The light in the bathroom at the tiny airstrip had invited all of the little creatures from all over the territory, including these ubiquitous geckos. No one had told me that these friendly little creatures were man’s best bug-devouring friend. All I knew was that they were little lizards that slithered among the bugs and freaked me out. I went weak as I pondered what in the world I had gotten myself into!”

She grimaced as if experiencing it again.

I shuddered with the thought of these creatures surrounding me. “Mama, I am amazed you stayed there. I would have screamed at the top of my lungs, and then come home as fast as I could.”

“I almost did come home right away. Just three weeks after I got there, I had a horrible toothache. They had no means to treat it in the village where I was staying, so I was sent on a ship, the Salankaua, to the city of Madang 200 miles to the north to see a dentist. That was pretty awful, though.”

“Why? Did something happen on the way?”

“No, no. The trip north was almost romantic. It took over two days, and there was a handsome man on board who introduced himself to me.” She giggled as if she had done something wrong.

I teased her. “Ha, ha, mama had a crush on somebody else before she met dad,” I called out to my brother David who was in the living room. He was the only brother old enough to care. He didn’t respond, so he either didn’t hear me or he didn’t care.

“So, what else? What else?” I urged my mother on with her story of life in New Guinea, her life before any of us were born.

She continued,

“We traveled along the coastline, so we could see the native people going about their daily business. At night, they huddled around altars of fire to cook and keep warm. With the palm trees, the Southern Cross in the sky, and a tropical moon, it was surreal to me.” Her face became crestfallen. “Toward the end of the trip, I saw this little girl traveling along on the ship whose face was horribly eaten away and grotesque. She was on her way to the doctor. The ship’s captain he told me she had leprosy, but assured me she was in no “pine” in his Australian accent.”

I was puzzled. Leprosy was a disease of the Bible. People didn’t have that disease anymore, did they? It must be another problem people have to deal with when they don’t have access to modern medicine.

“So what happened when you got to Madang?”

“I had my tooth pulled. The dentist had a drill that operated with an old-fashioned foot treadle, kind of like Grandma’s sewing machine.”

Oh, of course, I knew what she meant. To get Grandma’s sewing machine to run, you had to move the foot pedal back and forth. I could not believe that dentists once powered their drills with their feet. “Mama, was it normal for dentist’s to have foot treadles on their drills when you were that age?”

She laughed, and said, “Well, it probably wasn’t common like the stone football we used to play with, but electric drills were all I was familiar with.”

The stone football joke was an old one in our family. In the apartment complexes where we lived, some of the boys gathered to play football in a small patch of grass between the cornfield that belonged to the farmer to the south of town and our buildings. They were in high school, and my brothers were under eight. Nevertheless, the older boys sometimes let the little boys play with them for brief moments. One day, my little brother, Daniel, came inside from playing, and asked my mother, “Mom, when you were my age, did they have football?” She had quickly replied, “Yes, but we played it with a stone we had to chisel out of rock.”

I brought the conversation back to life in New Guinea.

“Okay, so after you got your tooth pulled, did you take a ship back?”

“That’s where my troubles only began. I had a dry socket from the tooth being pulled. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I took so many aspirin, more than 15, and it still hurt. I just did not get off to a good start. It wasn’t until I finally got back to Helmsbach Boy’s School that I finally really settled in.”

My mother--not a hippie
Not a hippie

“What happened then?” I asked eagerly.

“Oh no, it’s bedtime. You can hear the rest later.”

My Father’s Theory of Everything: Memoir Excerpt

My father organized his life around his efforts to create a mathematical equation describing his theory of everything. Like Einstein did for gravity. He described his theory as a “new revolution in science and theology that would bring them both back together again.” He was able to pinpoint the origins of his ideas to the visions he had when he was a child. These visions were actually his first hallucinations.

His model of epistemics and the Theory of Everything
His model of epistemics and the Theory of Everything

When I told him I was writing a book about our family, he was eager to take part. Before he died, he sent me many emails with family history, his life story, and his ideas. However, it became apparent he didn’t understand how he would come across in the book if I shared what he wrote. It gave me pause about what to say about him.

My dad holding me as a baby
My dad holding me as a baby

Fundamentally, he was not a good father, although of his six children, I received the most nurturing. In fact, he was not successful at much of anything he tried despite working very hard. It wasn’t his fault. He was dealing with schizoaffective disorder. My mother told me he had to take a self-esteem inventory once and he scored a zero.

His grand theory of everything was in the planning stages following a discharge from the Air Force for medical reasons in 1969. Specifically, his mental illness had become too severe to continue serving. I knew he wanted to please his parents by serving his country in a time of war, like his father did during World War II, but, Vietnam was unpopular. His parents seemed unimpressed, and he was distraught. He didn’t realize it was the other things he was saying they were reacting to.

He said he met a Mormon African-American man named Alex in the military who had been to another planet named Orarus-Orr. Apparently, Alex was capable of mental telepathy. Other times, Dad said he personally had been to another planet called Zorcon. Alex took him to Salt Lake City where my dad met my mom. I’m not sure if Alex is real or not.

He would say his ideas were best represented by pictures and symbols rather than words. His two most prized possessions besides his Bible and Strong’s Concordance to the Bible, were his colored pencils stored lovingly in a wooden box container with a metal latch and his Spirograph™ set. He had a set of colored pencils that he sharpened carefully with a tiny plastic pencil sharpener. The set came in white and pastel plastic gears with interlocking teeth around their edges, some shaped like circles, some like rods, and triangles.

With his pencils strategically spinning the gears around each other as the instructions provided, he created beautiful shapes that looked like colorful daisies. Some of his designs were pastel; some were vivid bright colors, but they all made for a pretty pattern.

“These will the language of my theory. My theory is an eclectic combination of sacred and secular wisdom. It has very ancient roots and futuristic elements that make it world-class in its character.”

My father and I putting together a map of the United States when I was four
My father and I putting together a map of the United States when I was four

He studied maps of the sky, topographical maps that showed the height of the land around the world. He had a globe where with his permission and clean hands, you could feel the relief of the Earth, pointed mountains and flatlands. He insisted I learn the geography of the United States without error.

I’m not sure when I first figured out he was cognitively impaired but it wasn’t until I was a teen. In 1983, when I was twelve, my mother asked my dad why he was living with his family if he refused to participate in it? His response — convenience. She kicked him out within days. Neither of them had a clue he had a serious mental illness preventing him from participating in social relationships normally.

He sent me an email ten years ago, well past the age when explaining himself would have been helpful to me. It continued to be necessary for him.

I was offered a $1 million back in 1968, but turned it down because nobody gives away money without a hitch. I was right. I know too much, and some prefer me dead. That is why I have stayed clear of the family, after all the troubles, to prevent anymore evils to arise. You kids don’t appreciate this right now, but I hope to clear the air as you get older and are more mature in life to understand and appreciate the wiles and evils of life.

He had woven a story about why he had to leave his family. Once he left, I didn’t see him for ten years. I did get letters, and it was these that gave away my father’s bizarre thoughts. When other people lamented their absent fathers, I was too embarrassed by mine to want him around. I pitied him and worried I might become like him.

Once gone, I thought more about what time we had gotten to spend together. My dad had taken me along with him on Sunday drives where he drove slowly down country, dirt roads in rural Iowa listening to music. We didn’t talk. He was a ponderous man and I was eight, below his intellectual chatting preference. It was the Eagles, John Lennon, and Little River Band on the radio that cut the silence.

He was finally “caught” by the mental health system only a few years before his death at 61, when his health had deteriorated from years of hard labor and bad food. I was kind of proud of him, actually, for being able to live without getting locked up for being crazy for about 40 years of his life. His paranoia about sharing his thoughts with others had paid off. However, his mind deteriorated so much he didn’t even recognize psychiatric staff as mental health providers. Instead, they were just another audience of his theory of everything.

While being treated for numerous other health conditions for several weeks in the hospital, nurses became concerned about my father’s mental health. They asked him to share his ideas with the psychiatry department.
While being treated for numerous other health conditions for several weeks in the hospital, nurses became concerned about my father’s mental health. They asked him to share his ideas with the psychiatry department.

His mental illness had also stolen many precious things from him. I know on some level, he knew he was not the same as everyone else. He knew it held him back, despite being very intelligent. He watched his brother get a Master’s degree and get a high-paying job, while he labored at minimum wage his whole life. His grandiose ideas were compensation for all that he couldn’t accomplish as a thinker, a worker, a parent, a husband, and a citizen.

He didn’t get to make a difference when he was alive. I want him to make a difference in a way he wasn’t quite expecting to when he died. His stories of untreated mental illness, societal stigma which caused his parents and siblings to distance him, and encounters with the child welfare system that did more harm than good are stories of systems that can change. There are lots of stories of mental illness, but it seems like there still haven’t been enough to make things right. He is a big part of why I write this memoir.

When We Were At Your Mercy: A Memoir

Preface to Memoir

A few years ago, I found a file on our family’s computer labeled “Preface.” While I was sure I had toyed around with ideas for the preface of my memoir, “When We Were At Your Mercy” as yet unpublished, I didn’t recall such a file. I clicked it open and read it.

“Sometimes I think I could tell this family’s story and do it some kind of justice. Other times, I am pretty sure I’m not equal to the task, and shouldn’t bend in my reluctance to take it on. If I did, the story would surely be about the savage effects of untreated mental illness on a poor family in the Midwest; about all of the crazy, harrowing experiences that have marked their lives; about their tragic place in the large-scale disinvestment in poor and disabled families in the U.S. over the last 30 years; and, finally, about their resilience, capacity to forgive, and the moving occasions when they can be corralled under one roof and you get a chance to feel the improbable bonds between them and hear them tell some of their stories.”

At first, I wondered if I had written it. But only for a moment. It slowly dawned on me, this made more sense coming from my husband. Had he seriously considered tackling a book about my family? He knew I was struggling to tell our story. Maybe he was preparing to finish the job in case my poor health got the better of me? Either way, his preface sounded better than anything I had or possibly would put together.

The file was quite a few years old. I am writing this story now. I want to live up to his preface, capturing all that he promised he could narrate. There are many motivations for writing our family’s story.

Why Write This Memoir?

First, there is always the need to be understood. When you grow up as the odd family or the outsider in your community, there comes a time when you want to explain what was happening behind the scenes. Our family was frequently in the local newspaper, and occasionally, the statewide paper.

In the rural communities of Iowa where we resided, the rumors and myths about our family are rampant. During my 5th grade year, my teacher publicly announced to my class that my parents did not do drugs after I complained to her that I was tired of telling students individually about how we were actually Mormon, and Mormons don’t do drugs. And in fact, my parents didn’t even drink alcohol.

Second, my original motivation for wanting to write this story was because I wanted to tell our family’s story of unemployment that led to living off the land which in turn led to the State splitting our family apart unjustly. The 1982 Des Moines Register article about our family says that I want to write a book about our family to explain what was happening versus what should have happened. Even as a ten year old, I felt I could do a better job of planning an intervention for my family than the child protection workers involved. Now, with the benefit of time, wisdom, and education, I want to raise awareness of mental illness and talk about all the things that interventions got right for our family.

Third, I want to highlight how the conservative family values that my mother and father grew up with were actually the opposite of family values. Instead of a loving family life, they imposed judgment. Instead of support, they returned silence. I am named after one of the greatest judges in the Holy Bible. This is fitting, because judgment has been the nemesis I have faced most in life. I come from the sort of people who loudly state that only those who work should be able to eat. Since my parents spent most of their lives struggling with jobs — finding them, keeping them, and getting enough out of them — I always wondered if my relatives wanted me to die rather than access the social services they so loudly denounced. That ghost has settled into the attic as the chronic fear that others think it would be better if I were dead. This book is my side of the story. My chance to defend my existence.

Dear Hillary Clinton, or I Need To Believe In My Democratic Presidential Candidate

Dear Hillary Clinton,

I’m an early adopter when it comes to politics. As a politico, I am constantly tuned in, so I know about up-and-coming politicians, obscure elected officials, and excellent progressive radio shows where each like to spend time. I saw Barack Obama give his speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, and like many other hard-core Democrats, gave him a standing ovation in my living room. When he started his campaign against you, Hillary, I had already learned enough about him; a community organizer is a magnet to a social worker. I was hooked.

As someone who grew up in Iowa, I have a lot of influence with family members who subsequently have their own sphere of influence within the state. When I threw my support behind Obama, my family soon had his signs up in early 2007, well before nearly everyone else. Similarly, they have had Sanders’s signs up for months.

So, I hope I have laid a convincing case that I am an early adopter. That’s why I am now going to say that I am one of the people who listened to Bernie Sanders for a decade now every Friday on Thom Hartmann’s progressive radio show, called in to encourage him to run for President, and pasted a Bernie for President sticker on her car seconds after he announced his candidacy. It’s been a pleasure to go from the only car on the road with his bumper sticker to one of many.

Being accused of supporting Sanders, because I want a man, I pondered how my choices have consciously meant not choosing you twice now. I asked myself why.

Each time, the alternative candidate was promising to dismantle the corrupt government we have come to know and hate. We all realize it on some level, but the research report from academics at Princeton and Northwestern, showing our government in no way represents us, has to be eye-opening to people in a democracy.

President Obama was unable to use his bully pulpit to clean up government. He probably never stood a chance, because of the Congress he ended up facing. To many observers, he pursued other missions — economic recovery, health care, nuclear disarmament, etc., in the end, leaving government in worse shape than when he began. How? Treatment of whistleblowers. Transparency. Spying on citizens where data was even shared with the FBI and DEA.

He has been an incredible president in many ways. He faced headwinds unlike any President since Lincoln. This is not meant to dismantle his achievements. No one is perfect, though. President Obama has not filled the vacuum of leadership needed to address the pent-up emotion Americans feel about their corrupt government.

Still Waiting on a Change

Hillary, you have made absolutely no step toward indicating you would or should change the status quo. In fact, when you speak, you sound remarkably similar to your husband. You easily harken my memory back to the Clinton Presidency with your policy ideas, and he capitulated to Republicans constantly. He did nothing to clean up government. Everything about you says, under your Presidency, everything will continue just as it has. Nothing will change. You clearly face the same headwinds Barack Obama has. Now, we’ve seen change is not possible under these circumstances.

will support you, when you get the nomination, as I believe you will. Why do I believe you will? The minority vote that never gave Sanders a chance, even creating a meme adopted by a Canadian “journalist” who criticize Iowans for being white and supporting Sanders as opposed to being white and supporting you (?). The media always had your back. The giant mindfuck where everyone thinks everyone else in the country is going to vote right, so they choose an “electable” candidate who is more conservative, even if their own beliefs are dissonant.

However, I am already expecting you to disappoint me. It isn’t because you’re a woman. As a married woman who already has a man, I don’t need Sanders to catch the eye of a mate. It is because you look, smell, and talk like the status quo. Corrupt government bought by money and power. It would be an amazing surprise, if you turned out to be Eleanor Roosevelt, instead.

Here’s hoping,

Deborah

Get a Boost, Give a Boost

The staff of a steakhouse bought me all of my freshman year supplies for college and helped me raise the last $700 I needed to attend making them largely responsible for my upward mobility.


 

Dawn shifted her car into third gear, turned down the radio, and said,

“I just need to make a quick stop at work. Would you like to come in with me?”

We each spent a lot of time working at Nino’s Steakhouse. Fixing salads. Cutting onions. Peeling shrimp. Chopping lettuce.

What kept the job interesting was the adult staff. The conversation from the grill area was raunchy. The chef and sous chef casually slipped sexual innuendo into every interaction with the waitresses.

“Your meat is up. So’s mine, Cheryl. Every time you come by.”

In our jobs as prep cooks, we spent time with professional restaurant workers who included ex-cons who had become chefs, waitresses who had made serving a career, and lifelong bartenders who drank too much of their own product slowly through the night. Most of the staff had a story about wiping out on a motorcycle, drinking until they almost died, and an ex who was making their lives hell.

Dawn and I had started working there when we were 16. Dawn, first. Then, she got me in the door. It wasn’t easy to find a part-time job that paid above minimum wage as a teenager.

I was every bit their social class. Yet, my whole life — this aura of nerd kept me somewhat alienated from the other poor people. Was it the words I used? They spilled over from the books I read. How shy I could be? The chef took to calling me “Bookworm” and it stuck. After a couple of years, everyone at the restaurant knew that I wanted to go to college. They also knew that was going to be financially a struggle.

On this day, Dawn and I were supposed to go see, “Cocktail,” the movie with Tom Cruise. Her request to stop by work was not unusual. I followed her in the door. We have to talk to Cheryl, she said. Cheryl’s counting tips in a party room.

Graduation party when they open the door and I'm surprised
Opening the door to the party room, it took me a second to realize this was a party for me

My co-workers had organized a party to help me manage the last steps to college that were standing in my way. They helped me out in my remaining tuition payment. They helped me with an expensive part of choosing to live on a campus in another city: supplies. This ranged all the way from a laundry basket to towels to toothpaste.

Graduation party of me holding up the cake they got me
They had a large cake made congratulating me
They pinned a corsage on me at the graduation party
They pinned a corsage on me

“The people…are always pointing out that So-and-So white, and So-and-So black rose from the slums into the big time…[and this] proves to them that America is still the land of opportunity and that inequalities vanish before the determined will. It proves nothing of the sort…and the inequalities suffered by the many are in no way justified by the rise of a few…” — James Baldwin, Nobody Knows My Name, 1961

They bought me towels, lotion, toothpaste, and other supplies
They bought me towels, lotion, toothpaste, and other supplies
There were gifts I never thought of for college supplies
There were gifts I never thought of for college supplies

As I looked from face to face in the room, cigarettes dangling from the lips of many guests, wide smiles in mid-laugh across most of the space, I perceived joy. I hoped I would live up to their expectations.

There have been people who have pointed to me and said, “You made it out of poverty, so it must be possible for everyone to do it.” I’m no James Baldwin. People still don’t know my name, but I did go from spending time in foster care to teaching for a time at two elite universities and publishing in academic journals. So, if I feel compelled to continuously work on behalf of the poor and working class long beyond my membership in either. If I continue to feel solidarity to groups that formed who I am, I hope others will understand that upward mobility to me has never been exclusively about meritocracy.

…a few have always risen — in every country, every era, and in the teeth of regimes which can by no stretch of the imagination be thought of as free. Not all of those people, it is worth remembering, left the world better than they found it…”
— James Baldwin, Nobody Knows My Name, 1961

Chatter Doesn’t Matter As You Grow Up, Girl

The man on the sitcom told a joke.

“Think about how many women are turning 30,” he said.

I realized that makes me an ugly, old folk.

His words just rumbled around in my head.


Most days I don’t feel old

Oh, who are I kidding?

Don’t believe that line I sold

My joints hurt and my body’s broken


The memories of my lifetime are ever present in my mind

I can be five, fifteen, or almost fifty in my imagination

Spoiled because society with the aging woman so unkind

And it all feels right here, the undervaluation


I’m getting the hang of living life

I like most of getting older

With more happiness, less strife

Giving the blues the cold shoulder


I need to learn to blow off the physical deterioration

And the way it’s judged by others

It’s the last step in repudiation

To embrace the best of aging’s wonders

Also posted at Medium.com

Horrified Writer Realizes She Must Master Internet

A woman is screaming with her hands clutching her head

                               Copyright © Michele Piacquadio

A Long-Term Neophyte

The flood of adrenal doesn’t lead to the glorious win. It isn’t the moment before an Olympic victory, the opening of an IPO on your company, or the defense of your dissertation. Instead, all of the pent-up anxiety precedes one of your most monumental failures. It’s the writer with limited computer knowledge —  not smart enough to know what she doesn’t know about the technology behind the internet —  trying to create her first professional blog. …on the same day, she reads that the internet has reached peak content here and also on Medium.  There is a glut of writing just as you’re trying to share yours.

There was a computer in my 5th grade classroom. It was the first one I saw. Later that same year, my foster brother had one, but he complained to his mother, if we used it. I didn’t see another one for five years. My brother got it used with money he made. He didn’t share. Besides, it was DOS-language, and I have never been good at learning new languages. I took German all through high school and college, studied in Germany for a semester, and still only got “advanced beginner” on my proficiency exam.

I used my first computer in college. They had a computer lab full of Macs. It had a new language, too, but it was easy to learn. It had training wheels. Unfortunately, I had a job off campus. I couldn’t use the computer lab. I had to get a typewriter, because I couldn’t afford a computer. Almost all of my college papers were written on a typewriter.

Graduate school was extra overwhelming, because it seemed like my fellow students were familiar with something called the Internet, and I had barely heard of it. It was a steep learning curve. What is a URL? What is HTML? What is FTP? I’m starting from scratch with my first email account at age 25.

Finally Making Writing a Career

It’s been 20 years since then. Where did the time go? That’s a lot of time to try to learn all about computers. Couldn’t you have gotten a computer science degree in that time? I was working. I was writing. I was depressed. There was some learning, but about social media, conducting good research searches, and trouble-shooting computer breakdowns. Acronyms intimidate me. The computer world is sick with them.

The present day. I googled “How do I create my own blog,” selected the site with the most detailed directions, and followed them. After buying two WordPress themes from professionals, and then finding a free one that looked better, I think I have know what SEO is, and I’ve tried to optimize my site. There have been cul-de-sacs, misunderstandings, DNS errors, and widget mistakes.

The anxiety is palpable. The entire world can do this better. I’m just a writer. I use computers. With mediocre skill. I don’t know how to make them go. The advice is to exist outside Medium. I think I do now. All these Millennials who can do this better. I hope I can still be heard in the massive din.

Also posted on Medium.com

So You Think There’s No Such Thing As Evil

 

evil [ee-vuh l]. adjective 1. morally wrong or bad; immoral; wicked, 2. harmful; injurious (Dictionary.com)

Demostrating evil is the mass grave of skeletal bodies discarded in a pit

                The mass grave of discarded bodies, discarded lives

According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, the past century has brought many philosophers back to a concept that Frederick Nietzsche managed to squelch over a hundred years ago with his widely popular book,Beyond Good and Evil. He argued that the old paradigm of moralistic judgments made based on theological tenets was outgrown by a modern society. No doubt the need to refer to God and the Devil when discussing evil is outmoded.

Q. Why do people feel the need to bring back the concept of evil?

A. The Holocaust. The genocides of King Leopold or Rwanda. The identification of serial killers and their torture as a sociopathic phenomenon.

As the Stanford Encyclopedia says,

“It seems that we cannot capture the moral significance of these actions and their perpetrators by calling them ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ or even ‘very very wrong’ or ‘very very bad.’ We need the concept of evil.”

People who thought about these things long ago have sub-divided evil into further categories based on a broad and narrow interpretation of the idea. Broadly, evil is broken down into natural and moral evil. Natural evils are those to which we have typically turned to a omniscient being called God for understanding or blame. Why are there tsunamis that kills hundreds of thousands of people? Why are there earthquakes?

Some people come to the conclusion there is no all-powerful God when these evils overcome them. In the modern era, we understand the mechanisms of these disasters, typically no longer attributing them to an all-knowing being. People have (mostly) learned to think of natural disasters as consequences of Earth’s properties, rather than evil. Of course, there are many people who still believe natural disasters are punishments.

However, the concept of evil extends beyond the old-fashioned notions of a theological beings. It extends to behavior by human beings when we talk about moral evil. In a humanist society, ethics and morality are the standard by which human beings hold each other accountable as social animals. Likewise, humans are allowed to define for themselves what constitutes an evil act. Broadly speaking, moral evil encompasses both committing murder and telling a lie. That is why we need the narrow definition in contemporary use.

As defined by the Stanford Encyclopedia, “ the narrow concept of evil picks out only the most morally despicable sorts of actions, characters, events, etc.”

Those who are called “evil-skeptics,” wishing to retire the word, are left to define behavior and the character of people as wrong-doing or bad. These are simply softer synonyms for classifying a range of behaviors, characters, and events. They do not allow for a severe categorization of the continuum for any of these, effectively allowing human beings who introduce these elements into society a level of acceptability.

In books like, “The Sociopath Next Door” and “Almost a Sociopath,” estimations of the percentage of people who are almost sociopaths in the population are essentially 5–15%. Are these people without a conscience evil? That depends on how they choose to conduct themselves. Furthermore, you don’t have to be a sociopath to commit an evil act. What is it when in city after city across the country people are unable to get clean drinking water? When children are knowingly poisoned with lead? Bad? Wrong-doing? Evil?

Many skeptics of using the word “evil,” cite their concern over the dangerous nature of word. Its application to people who are believed to have fixed characters ascribed as evil could be risky, because people generally want to harshly punish “evil” generically. To this, as a proponent of the word, I reply it is its very ambiguity of application that drives its power to instigate a rush to judgment. There is no limit on punishment of evil, because punishment itself has no evil limit.

This uncertainty is not helped by going silent about the concept. It is only helped by discussing it. It is not a concept that will simply go away, and leaving it solely to the purveyors of Satan and Hell is not useful, especially if society grows more secular. Allowing the Biblical set to co-opt evil as solely their own limits our ability to label extremes. It also prevents us from studying it to prevent it.

If you examine Nietszhe’s reasons for abandoning the concept of evil, he has a very interesting twist that handicaps today’s oppressed people. He claimed the concept was in the hands of the oppressed as their tool; they used it to describe their oppressors. He claimed that domination, appropriation, and mistreatment of one human being by another human being is not immoral. Claiming it is, well, that’s just stifling “creative self-expression, accomplishment,” and the freedom of at least one individual (the creative self-expression, accomplishment and freedom of the oppressed are not addressed).

In fact, for 20th century philosopher, Hanna Arendt, “radical evil [a term she borrowed from Immanuel Kant] involves making human beings as human beings superfluous.” This is the definition I will adopt. The definition oppressed people should be free to reclaim, ignoring the domination of Nietzsche’s beliefs on secular thought. Oppressed people reclaim your word. Describe the behavior of your oppressors for what it is.

Critics and adherents of Arendt have expanded on this definition. Philosophers like Calder and Card have added necessary conditions for a wrong-doing to be evil, such as intent to cause harm by the perpetrator. Card says a harm must be intolerable such as physical or mental suffering and denial of basic needs such as food, social contact, water, etc. She defines evils as “reasonably foreseeable intolerable harms produced by inexcusable wrongs” (Card, 2010, p.16).

This is a good launching point for a current conceptualization of evil. I believe it is still applicable to human behavior and character that lacks remorse for other human beings. I especially believe it should be a word available to oppressed people when speaking of the behavior of their oppressors.


Also posted at Medium.com

References available at Medium.

 

 

Far Too Many People Are Fat Because They Don’t Eat

 

I’m up early, 5:30 on a Saturday, and I know I will not eat until at least noon. This is a much deserved punishment for having binge eating disorder. Last night, I gave in to my need to become numb to my emotions. I ate a dozen chocolate chip cookies ordered in pairs from the Burger King menu, and washed it down with what looked to be 30 ounces of Sprite. It took about 20 minutes.

 Chocolate chip cookies

I devoured them one by one, not even taking time to brush the crumbs off my chest until I had tried to savor every bite. The hardened, crunchy shell of the cookie gave way to my teeth to allow them to relax in a soft interior. The thick chunks of chocolate creamy enough to leave melted drops on your fingers if you dallied too long with the cookie. I’ve always hated having dirty fingers. This was part of the reason I ate too quickly to truly relish each bite. I asked myself, “Why are you doing this, especially after months of treatment?”

When you are in recovery from binge eating disorder or I suppose any addictive behavior, there’s a period when you flood yourself with information to try and solve the puzzle of why you got this way, how to fix it, and ways to bypass relapses. I am currently in that period.

For the last year, I have been in intensive treatment for binge eating disorder. The single most important thing I have learned from all the books and professionals is that this problem with mowing down huge amounts of calories in the form of sweets or other well-loved carbs was originally caused by a period of going without enough food.

A picture of me in second grade

My 2nd grade self was already set up to get an eating disorder

The Beginning of the Eating Disorder

When they told me this, I flashed back to my second grade year when my family was struggling and food was not always at recommended caloric intake. When we did get food, I would binge. In fact, it became the stimulus for shoplifting in third grade.

It was 1978, and I was 7 years old. I stood there debating whether to steal the candy bar and can of pop at the convenience store in Denver, Iowa. Earlier in the day, I was caught stealing food stamps from Mom’s purse, so I couldn’t feed my habit the way I usually did. That left me with the five-finger discount as the only option.

When I went for it, it was clumsy and obvious. I should not have been surprised when I got about a block away, and the police car pulled up fast next to me. The ride home on the hard plastic seat behind the wires was terrifying. What were mom and dad going to do? Their favorite form of punishment was the belt on my ass. As you were bent over taking your lashes, if you let go of your ankles, another swipe was added.

Preempting the officer, I told my parents my best friend was stealing, and I were just with her. They bought it. When the officer arrived to “discuss” my delinquency, he reviewed my offenses and told my parents I would face more serious consequences next time. When he left, they told me to stop hanging around Carmen. Dear, innocent Carmen.

The Addiction to Sugar and Fat Continues

But, you know what I didn’t stop? I never stopped eating junk to stuff my feelings. The whole reason I couldn’t just let the candy bar and pop go when I were seven was the compulsion to get that sugar high. Even as the family struggled to get enough food, I were obsessed with food. Child protection workers specifically mentioned such behavior in their child abuse report in 5th grade. We were asking other children for their leftovers.

Excerpt of a child abuse report on my family indicating we were not getting enough food as children
Notice how obsessed we kids were with food (excerpt from Child Abuse Report — please pardon mother’s highlighting)

kept right on eating until other children teased me for the collection of fat under my chin and around my tummy. At that point, I made a genius move to fix the problem. Doing jumping jacks for hours and hours in front of the mirror over the summer before 8th grade. Drinking only Crystal Light and eating only grapefruit.

My 8th grade picture

                                                My 8th grade picture

Can I be forgiven for my terrible pattern cemented in that 8th grade year? Binge — starve — binge — starve. When I did eat, it was always high sugar items like candy bars and cans of pop. The notion of getting any nutrition was lost on me, except I was a bit obsessed with cashews for protein.

A Break From All the Binges

I finally escaped binging in my 20s for many years. I learned I had a disorder, called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It contributed to making women overweight. This could be overcome with yet another diet. No carbohydrates. I did well. I lost weight, but I seemed to be getting more nutritious food than I’d gotten in years. At least, I was finally getting enough protein. I was even looking zazzy enough to meet a husband, something I was convinced would never happen.

A photo of me showing a clearly overweight woman

                                     My first major weight gain in 1995

The cycle came back and pushed me aside when things got rough. I crumbled. The eating disorder stepped up. It pulled me back to binging and starving.

couldn’t escape from the eating disorder no matter how hard I tried. In fact, the harder I tried, the more entrenched the behaviors became. The weight crept back on, and on, and on. Five years past. Ten years.

Finally, a year ago, I decided the only way to disable the disorder was to get help. I went to the Emily Program. They put me into six months of intensive outpatient treatment, four days a week, three hours a day. In addition to this time, there were also therapy, nutrition, psychiatry, and pain management appointments. See how it consumed my life?

In her book, Brain over Binge, Kathryn Hansen explains our brains in simple terms as being an animal brain and a human brain. The animal brain monitors such things as breathing, food intake, etc., and it has strong survival instincts. It is the animal brain that repeatedly manipulates the human brain into arranging for a binge, because it has surmised that food is scarce. Her solution to the problem is to become aware of what thoughts are being driven by the animal brain and use your human brain to overcome them.

I’ve heard variations on this theme before. In treatment, we do something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, described well by another Medium writer, KevinRedmayne. Concepts in DBT map well onto the animal/human brain dichotomy. This therapy talks about reasonable mind versus emotional mind with the goal being to achieve middle ground in something called, Wise Mind.

For the New Year, I am looking forward to using skills I have learned in DBT, like Urge Surfing, which is similar to what Hansen recommends inBrain over Binge. It is using mindfulness to observe your thoughts and feelings during cravings for a binge without acting on them until they have subsided.There are skills involved to help you do this. We are learning these in therapy.I hope this works.

Also posted at Medium.com

 

Before You Could Write, You Could Read

 

A sign that says thank you

                         Source: http://www.gratisography.com/

You really needed a distraction. A mean school. A mean family. A mean mind. Scanning across the page, barely giving one word time to pass before the next rear-ended it, you sped through books. If you had your own bedroom, you closed the door and crawled to a comfortable spot on the bed. It got you through elementary school, middle school, and high school. Reading.


My third grade teacher, Mrs. Rose Eskridge, believed in teaching her students the power of books. She started with The Boxcar Children. She read us the book everyday during the last period of the school day. We’d sit around her in an eager circle taking in every detail of the lives of orphaned children. Right up until the last chapter. Then, she stopped. She informed us we could finish the book by checking it out from the library or buying it. Okay, it was going to have to be the library.

The book cover of the Boxcar Children

                                                  Source: Erin Holden

was not assertive, allowing pushier students to check out one of the many copies of the book the school library carried until they were gone. Eventually, a few weeks later, I checked out the book and learned how the story ended. There were many more books in the Boxcar children series. I checked them all out and read each one.

The following week, she had a new book, The Great Brain, ready for the reading hour. I plotted and planned. I didn’t want to know what she read to us in advance. I couldn’t check out the book too early or I would have to check it back in before the teacher got to the end. I made a calculation when to check out the book to coordinate having it when she ended her reading, and my plan worked.

 The book cover of the Great Brain by John Fitzgerald
                                                 Source: Amazon.com

learned the public library also had the some of the same books I was looking for in the school library. I tore through tomes in both locations. It was a very small town. I got to a point where I said to my teacher, “What if I run out of books to read?” She reassured me that would never happen.

My mother says I carried around a box of Golden books when I was two years old. But, I don’t remember reading before Mrs. Eskridge’s class. She made me love learning so much that when we were assigned to do a report on one of the fifty states besides our own, I did a report on all of them. I stayed after school where she played Elton John’s Crocodile Rock and Big, Bad John by Jimmy Dean on a record player while we cleaned the classroom.

didn’t have my own room at home. To get a chance to read without interruption, I commandeered the bathroom. I was always “taking a bath” which really meant reading a book while sitting in a couple inches of water. I would periodically turn on the hot water again to keep the water from getting too chilly. My toes would prune. Once, I fell fall asleep while reading and dropped my book into the water. It was a library book, so I was in big trouble.

 Book cover of Ramona the Pest by Beverly Cleary
Book Cover of the The Mystery of the Screaming Clock from the Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigator's series
Picture of the book cover of Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

There were the adventures of Ramona and Beezus. It was addictive to follow the Three Investigators in the young Alfred Hitchcock series solving mystery after mystery. There was the loss of Terebithia, and creating my own in the island of trees situated in a nearby cornfield. There were horses likeMisty of Chincoteague, dogs like the homeless, Candy, and all the animals treated by Dr. James Herroit.

Book cover of Misty of Chincoteague by Marguerite Henry
Book cover of Hurry Home, Candy by Meindert DeJong
Book cover of All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot

At night, my mother told me to turn off the light and go to sleep; I was bothering my brothers. I did, and then I tucked the book under the door where light from the hallway came in. I read until midnight, maybe later. Sometimes, I fell asleep on the floor. Sometimes, I made it to my bed. More than once I didn’t fall asleep at all.

went into 4th grade a strong student. They had labeled me “delayed” prior to that, the result of moving three times in 1st grade** and living in poverty. I went back to thank this teacher for the worlds she’s allowed me to see, but she had passed away fairly young. It’s a reminder to be thankful sooner rather than later for what others do.

**Research by New York University professors published in Developmental Psychology, online, Oct 5th, 2014 found frequent moves drove lower cognitive scores in low income students.

 

Also posted at Medium.com

How Cliché to Say My Wedding Day Was My Happiest Day

The happiness of my wedding day didn’t emerge at first. I was trying my hardest to stifle tears in the car ride to the Jewel Box, a greenhouse created for the World’s Fair that had become a St. Louis attraction. My twenty-something sister had thrown a tantrum, as was her way. She was my bridesmaid, but she was the bridezilla. She had made us a half an hour late to my wedding. All the guests were there before I was. We missed the planned photography. I didn’t want to have red, puffy eyes going into my wedding, but I couldn’t help it, I began sobbing.

Deborah as bride laughing on the road to happiness after crying

      Thanks to family, tears turned to laughs when I finally arrived

The ceremony itself was hard to endure. The nervousness. The awareness of being in front of others. The lack of preparedness from being late. But, when it was over. The hugs. The relief. The photographs that captured what a beautiful day it was. The community of loved ones celebrating with us. Perfect. This was happiness.

Deborah and Doug in front of carriage with smiles of happiness
A close-up of Deborah and Doug shows our happiness
Deborah and Doug have a kiss in front of the Jewel Box

Join Me, Fellow Unlucky Folk, in Coping Through Gratitude

 

Good luck emblem

Copyright: Artist_G 

People have been trying to convince me there is no such thing as luck since I was a child. My husband currently tries to counter the thousands of examples I give him of my bipolar luck with the repetitive, “You need an internal locus of control.” As a white male from an upper income background, he’s been taught not to believe in luck, because if there is no luck, there is only will, intention and consequence. You plan to be a success in your career, so you are. You want to meet your life partner, so you do. You want to have children, so you have them.

Even when his luck has been highlighted since marrying me, my No-Such-Thing-As-A-Charmed-Life husband refuses to see it. Before he met me, he rolled with the punches, because there were not so many of them. Nowadays, after “I Always Get a Job After the First Interview” had two major bouts of unemployment in ten years, he blamed himself. I have had to point out to him how many times his best effort to make things intentionally what he wants them to be aren’t able to control fate.

Just a few examples of extremes of luck I have had over the course of my life include being the daughter of two severely mentally ill parents, getting to be in TRIO, finding my husband, and being sexually harassed and bullied on job sites. Having both parents incapable to functioning in a family, which led to foster care for my brothers and myself, was a genetic short half of the wishbone. Most of my cousins grew up in highly functional households because their parents turned out fine growing up in the same families my parents did.

On the good side, I got into an anti-poverty educational program run by exemplary staff that only serves 7% of eligible students. There are literally millions of other children who did not have the good fortune to access such a program. Luck was on my side with TRIO which you can think of as being like Head Start for college.

was also very fortunate in finding the love of my life. I was overweight throughout much of my 20s and received rejection from men on a regular basis. This is attributable to having an eating disorder and to having the disorder, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which causes obesity in many of its sufferers. I know there are women who write about being overweight and attracting all kinds of attention, but apparently, I am not an attractive large person. Some of the things said to me during my 20s scar me to this day.

Deborah walking toward you. She is clearly very overweight.
Deborah in 2003 having lost a great deal of weight
Before (1997) and After (2001)

But, for a few short years in my early 30s, I was thin again. During this time, I met a lot of men who showed an interest in me. I just didn’t find most of them very interesting, but one of those men was my husband. I don’t believe he would have given me a second look during most of my 20s. Now, I am overweight again, but he knows me, and he says he loves me, even as I gain weight. I consider it good luck to have met him during my thin period. Some people never meet someone they can be in love with throughout their entire lives.

It was bad luck each time I got into an employment situation where a supervisor abused me. First, when I was getting my MSW, one of my internship supervisors sexually harassed me. I even tape-recorded him. But, it was in a state that requires permission of both parties to audiotape conversations, so my evidence was not usable. To deal with the problem, they reassigned me to the research department where I learned nothing of the therapeutic skills I was supposed to learn. It was bad luck to be assigned to this agency and to be given this supervisor.

Later, when I got a job as an assistant professor, I worked under senior professors who verbally abused some of the junior professors who worked under them. It was never clear why some received the abuse while others were granted favoritism. It was bad luck when I reported the abuses I experienced, and the research irregularities I witnessed, that the people in positions of power ignored me. I could have been working at a place that believed people should be treated fairly or that provided additional supports for targeted young professors. It was my bad luck to have run into these people in contrast to my classmates who got their PhD at the same time I did. They were nurtured in their early careers by senior academics and now they are tenured professors. I just write on Medium.

When you have extremes of good and bad luck, which I have been fortunate to have, in order to reconcile your life, you have to look for the good with gratitude. They say luck favors the prepared. As my socioeconomic status improved in middle age, I have been able to become more prepared, and my luck has improved. My van hasn’t broken down once in the ten years since I bought it new. When I was younger, all of my cars were used and old. They broke down constantly, often at the most unlucky times.

Picture of a horseshoe with good luck written on it, but it is upside down

                                                    Copyright: alexroz

know people who have led charmed lives. I can tell you their life stories, why they are impressive people, and how everything fell in line for them. It doesn’t mean they didn’t face hardships. Everyone does. But, theirs always seemed to work themselves out. A lot of the time, privilege bought them huge chunks of their good fortune. If I compare myself to them, I lose. The best path is not to compare myself to anyone. I am working on that. But, if I need to compare myself to others, I need to look to life’s other picked-on souls and not to the charmed. I think that’s a great many of us.

When I realize what has gone right at hairpin turns in the road, I am grateful. This gives me the strength to try and live with intention in a world that will knock me down again and again. Join me in living well with your life touched by luck by appreciating when it has been on your side. Good luck in the New Year!

Also posted at Medium.com

Inequality Costs Some Americans A Lot of Money

 

These conversations back and forth between Paul Graham and his accurate, eloquent detractors (e.g., Holly Wood) sharpen from the theoretical into the harsh reality of how inequality works, and how it has worked in real people’s lives, as I work on this year’s taxes. We have a stack of receipts three inches high for my medical bills during 2015. They will exceed 7.5% of our income, so we can start deducting them.

No one in Graham’s world is calculating how much it costs children who grow up in poverty to pay for their poor health as adults. There is something called the health gradient. It has been one of the most consistent correlations in medicine since the early 1900s. The higher your income, the better your health. The following ideas were tested by researchers at Northwestern, Harvard, and University of Chicago in 2008:

Epidemiologists have suggested that the early years represent a sensitive period during which social processes become embedded in biology. As such, epigenetic modifications could be responsible for associations between early income and later life outcomes (Godfrey & Barker, 2000; Weaver et al, 2004). In other words,stressors related to low-income could alter biological systems.Unfortunately, young children in low-income households have a higher likelihood of being maltreated and experiencing other stressful life events, such as parental discord and residential instability (English, 1998). New prospective longitudinal research shows that maltreated children display significantly higher levels of low-grade cellular inflammation in adulthood, which has important consequences for adult health and disease risk (Danese et al., 2007). Related work shows that reported exposure to physical or emotional abuse in childhood is associated with obesity in adulthood, and this may be due to physiological changes known to affect eating behavior (Gunstad et al, 2006).

The study found:

Our exploration of the role of economic deprivation early in childhood produced surprisingly strong “effects” in the case of such important adult attainments as earnings, work hours and transfer income. The coefficients imply that a $3,000 annual increase in income between a child’s prenatal and birth year is associated with 19% higher earnings and a 135-hour increase in work hours.

The study also found people raised in poverty were more likely to be overweight as adults. In the decade since this research began, many studies have been published demonstrating the ill effects of childhood poverty on the health of the adult, even if they no longer live in poverty. This also holds for mental health.

It has cost me a salary to have poor health, so that’s a loss of at least $50,000 at this point in my career, plus the medical expenses. So, I estimate my childhood poverty is running me about $75,000 last year. Of course, our insurance company is also footing a hefty bill for my childhood poverty as well. What if I didn’t have my husband? How would I survive?Would I have to apply for disability?

Researchers have developed something they call the categories of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES). Children in the United States do not experience ACES in an equal way. A full 36% of children grow up to be adults who have never experienced any of the ACES. On the other hand, there are 12% of adults who have experienced four or more of them, myself among them. Because poverty, unemployment, and discrimination are causal factors for all of the ACES, each of those social ills disproportionately affect people of color. These ACES are also going to react to societal inequality in going up and down in frequency.

These discussions of inequality give me heartburn. There are just some ideas that leave me bloated with emotion in a painful state of unreleased tension. The only way to feel better is to express the brew of anger, hurt, and despair and to feel heard. The biggest obstacle is putting compelling words to the isolation of having unmet primal needs. You want other Americans to recognize that you were literally taken away from your parents, because they could not feed you. You want other Americans to think that was a big deal.The mental health system, the child welfare system, and the welfare system were, and are, so poor, lives like yours are continuously shattered.

The response is usually resounding indifference. Something in the way I’m verbalizing the experience is not clicking with other Americans. This makes me all the angrier, because it is my background of deprivation that drags on my cognitive abilities to express myself. Or worse, I am explaining how poverty affects children in the face of current systems, and people in the country are so cold and lacking in such empathy, they just don’t care.

There are only a portion of us who have lived a desperate existence, dependent on inadequate help from the State, and traumatized by the poverty we experience. I have observed how my stepson has grown up, in a secure, middle class environment, and how his life is structured and relatively stress-free (whether he knows it or not). He grew up on the internet as a young, white male. It is all the rage for his demographic to be libertarian. If he follows this path, I will find it disturbing. I could give him a list of several thousand ways in which his childhood has been privileged relative to my own and relative to what I know children currently growing up in poverty are experiencing.

Since the poor have a high likelihood of becoming the poor, the rest of the country would either like to rage against us as the source of the country’s problems or ignore us as contradictions to meritocracy. As debate rages on about who gives more to society, who deserves to get anything from society, and how society should be structured, those of us identified as takers, the 47%, parasites, and/or the unproductive are paying more than these people realize for the inequality that’s already touched our lives. But, at least, we can take a tax deduction for it.

Also posted at Medium.com

 

Where Are My Childhood Best Friends?

 

When you move around a lot as a child, you make some friends you never see again

 woman holding a globe

Struggling to get friendship right was one of the biggest challenges of growing up for me. It started off easily enough. Between the ages of three and five, we lived right next door to a girl who was exactly my age. Tammy and I shared the joy of melded imaginations, the ability to create adventures and play synchronized roles without rehearsal. The trees, our houses, or the schoolyard sandbox were the set of a thousand theatrical scenes. We even got to play without supervision all the time as long as we stayed on our block.

My father’s sudden illness, and the recommendation that he move away from Lake Michigan’s sea air for the benefit of his lungs — he had Coccidioidomycosis — meant saying goodbye to Tammy. I looked out the back window of the car for the entire trip to our new home, tears streaming down my face. Naturally, crying for that long gave me the mother of all headaches. There was never going to be another Tammy.

We stayed in touch for years. Saw each other again once in 7th grade. Then, lost touch. She isn’t on Facebook. Those of us in Generation X can be more hit or miss on social media than people think. There are a lot of articles about how much Generation X uses social media, but about 20% have never opened a Facebook account.

At my new school, I found a tree to stand behind at recess and lunch. The nip in the air was getting more noticeable by the day. Every gush of wind or spritz of rain easily penetrated my jacket. Cold. And awkward. I got painful neck aches from being unable to lift my head while walking to and from school — staring against my will at the ground as I walked, demanding my eyes to rise, feeling too heavy to move. There were attempts to give me grace. My mother’s attempt to hire a tutor to teach me how to do cartwheels failed. Perhaps the clumsiness and lack of coordination would be outgrown?

We didn’t stay in LaCrosse, WI, much longer, so I never had to make a friend at that school. There was only a girl, Michelle, who lived in the apartment below us, but her parents sent her to a Catholic school. She couldn’t be my friend at school, but she did make everything seem better when I got home. I told her about how everyone at school already seemed to have made their friends. No one seemed interested in making a new friend. She comforted me. Whatever happened to Michelle? I don’t remember her last name.


 Mnext best friend, Virginia, also doesn’t have a last name in my memory. Meeting her was a bizarre experience, anyhow. I had been sent by my mother’s new “husband” to live on a farm just outside Creston, British Columbia, Canada, with a family belonging to the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints (FLDS). Some people are familiar with the area as Bountiful in the Creston Valley of the Canadian Rockies.

After shows like Sister Wives, the trial of Warren Jeffs, raids by federal authorities on their compounds, and best-selling books, most people know these polygamist Mormons maintain several communities from Mexico to Canada. Each location is typically led by a charismatic patriarch who is deemed a prophet, although some prophets hold sway over more than one community.

The man my mother married, while still married to my father, was a prophet without a community. His flock was spread all over the U.S. and Canada based on who had read his book, felt so moved, and became afollower of Robert Crossfield. Eventually, he would become a founder of the School of the Prophets, whose members have gained infamy as murderers (see Under Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer).

It was Mr. Crossfield’s idea to send me to the farm in British Columbia where I could be trained to be a proper, young Mormon lady. This made my second attempt at first grade more of a boarding school experience. As a student, it was thrilling for me, because I was an avid fan of Little House on the Prairie, and the school was a huge, converted barn on a large acreage belonging to the Church. The Church itself was located not far from the school.

The school could not be said to be a one-room schoolhouse, as it had two: one for older students, and one for younger. I was in the younger group, of course. They showed me my desk, and all of the students surrounded me to say hello. It was difficult to be the center of attention, and I wished it would end quickly, but it also felt good to have the people be so welcoming.

My father and I completing a puzzle of the United States in 1974

Dad helps me to together a puzzle map of United States-circa 1974

School was different than it had ever been before. We had to wear long dresses all the time. I was told that one of the other little girls was my cousin. I did not believe this story, but I liked my new friend.

Her name was Virginia, and I laughed as I told her there was a state in the United States with the same name. I told Virginia about how my daddy use to do a big puzzle on the floor with my help that had all of the states as puzzle pieces.

was largely clueless about where I was or why I was there. At recess time, Virginia and I went sledding down one of the biggest hills that I had ever seen, not realizing these were foothills of mountains. The down side to this activity was the trudge back up the hillside through the deep snow in a dress. It started to feel like I could learn to like this school. Virginia made me feel like I fit in.

It was the evenings and weekends that I found scary and distressing. The father in this house where I stayed was mean. Quite frankly, he scared me. There were three young girls in the family. I slept in a room with all of them where there were bunk beds. I shared the top bunk with one of the girls. The second weekend that I was living with the new people, I felt settled enough to wander around the house like it was my own.

arose very early on Saturday morning, crept as quietly as I could, so as not to wake the other girls, and slipped into the living room. I turned on the TV set for the cartoons that had been my ritual for years. My mama had been opposed to me spending so much time in front of a television, but eventually all of the family chaos after my father got sick had distracted her, so that she did not notice she had let things slide into a pattern.

Suddenly, after only a few minutes of Scooby-Doo, the dad in the house appeared, looking very angry. He grabbed me by my arm, and squeezed tightly, pinching at my skin. “We do not allow children to touch the TV in this house,” he hissed. I pleaded with him that I was sorry for waking him up, but he only told me that he had not been sleeping. Cartoons are simply not allowed in this house.

On one Saturday a few weeks later, Virginia had come to visit. She and I explored the trees at the foot of the mountains, and followed some of the numerous trails. Upon returning to the house, I saw a familiar, golden brown Chevy Impala. Once inside the house, I was astonished to see my mama and daddy together. Not Bob Crossfield. My real daddy. I ran to them, and was scooped into their tight hold. When I was told to do so, I wasted no time in packing all of my belongings.


felt awkward in my last 1st grade classroom in Denver, IA. I was introduced to the class as the new girl from Wisconsin. I wanted to tell them I was actually the new girl from Canada, but mom and dad had told all of us kids that we were not to mention living in Canada to anyone. Maybe the kids would have thought I was special and wanted to be my friend if I was from someplace cool like Canada. I wasn’t attracting friends any other way. It was easy to feel lonely as a new kid. The hardest part of the day was recess, when the other kids gathered on the playground, but did not seem to have time for another friend.

almost never had a soul to talk to, but once the boys did let me play in their kickball game. Unfortunately, the boys did not feel that kickball was a girl’s sport, so they tried their best to hurt me. I felt the snap of my neck as my head jerked backwards with the force of the ball, purposefully hurled with a vengeance in my direction. It stung my face as well. Despite my efforts not to, tears welled in my eyes, and the boys laughed that they had made a girl cry. The school nurse said that the red bruising would fade, and the neck pain would subside with a little time. She gave me an ice pack to put over the sore spots.

It would be over a year before I made a friend again. During the lonely time spent waiting to find a new friend, I focused on my happy memories of Tammy, Michelle, and Virginia. How sweet we were to each other. How we used our imaginations together. When I think about Tammy, Michelle, and Virginia, I wonder how they are. If they remember me. If they know how important they were in my life when we were growing up. Here’s to lost friends: may you be well!

Also posted at Medium.com

 

My Ball and Chain Has Screwed Up My Life

 

A woman with a ball and chain connected to her ankle

I’ve spent my life with an inner critic so cruel and pejorative, it could play a role as a villain in a Shakespearean play. I didn’t really have a name for the voice producing this soundtrack of constant abusive thoughts, but after I said my vows to my husband, I realized that I was already intertwined with another being. So, I’ve been calling this Svengali of self-evaluation my ball and chain.

“You’re ugly”

Me-Deborah in 4th grade. It is not an attractive picture.

                                      A picture of me in the 4th grade

I was ugly. Other children in school told me so. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a plain girl with stingy hair. In graduate school, a best friend would end up saying that my hair felt like cobwebs. Despite being very thin and fine, it was prone to tangling. My mother says my first word was tangle. My hair just sticks to my head. When you put barrettes or ties in my hair, they fall out.

I was fat, not obese, but overweight. I also started to develop my breasts as young as 4th grade for some reason, perhaps the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome I was eventually given as a diagnosis. This drew teasing, because I didn’t get a bra soon enough apparently, at least according to the popular girls who surrounded me during recess to inform me of the problem.

The words of other children bounced around in my head, reverberating until they were my own thoughts. There is no doubt the voice in my head was motivating.

“You’ll never have a boyfriend”

Picture of me-Deborah as a senior in high school. More attractive.

                             This is senior year of high school

Picture of me-Deborah that shows that I am thin.

                                     Freshman in college

I maintained a more attractive appearance throughout college

                                              My senior year of college

put all of my efforts into becoming more attractive. I exercised. I starved myself. I developed binge eating disorder. All because someone once said I was too ugly to ever have a boyfriend. It became so important that when I took a personality test in my first year of college, it found that sexuality was my predominant trait.

It didn’t work to try to feel prettier. The voice in my head repeatedly told me how ugly I was. A ruggedly, handsome junior at Luther College worked in the same campus cafe I did. He was the type who looked like he had either just been surfing, skiing, or mountain climbing. Blonde hair with natural highlights cut a little too long. Wind-burned skin with a permanent tan. A little bit lanky, but clearly muscular. We laughed together as we flipped hamburgers and rang up purchases.

One day, Tony asked me out. I honestly thought he was kidding. He couldn’t possibly like me. He was a 10. I was a 3. Laughing, hemming, hawing, I slid out the door. When I returned to work the next day, everything seemed tense, and I didn’t know why. He was terse in his responses to work-related duties and completely shut down on all personal chit chat. The next shift was no better. Finally, I just asked, “What did I do wrong?”

“I thought it was rude the way you turned me down for the Bruce Hornsby concert.”

Bruce Hornsby was coming to campus. It was the late 1980s; it was a catch for the college to have a good band. This was the date Tony had asked me to go on. He had meant it.

asked him, “Can we talk after our shift down at Dante’s?” Dante’s was the “bar” in the basement of the student union that served non-alcoholic drinks. He agreed.

We pulled up to two high chairs right in front of the bar. I explained that I didn’t think he was serious. When he asked why, I told him the truth. I didn’t think someone like him could like someone like me. He told me that was sad. I should have more respect for myself.

played with the straw on my “daiquiri.” He played with his straw. Our drinks were already gone. Things got awkward and quiet. He started to get up.

“Well, I guess I better get going. I need to study. I’m sorry things didn’t work out.”

blew my chance to date a hot, smart, and from what the alumni magazines say, successful, man, because of my ball and chain. He wasn’t interested in a girl with self-esteem that low. That’s just a sampling of the damage this fellow has caused.

A current picture of me depicts an overweight woman who doesn't fit beauty standards

                                             What I look like now

Now, he’s making a reappearance in my marriage. I have gained weight. It’s not a good look for me. Other people can carry extra weight while still meeting a lot of society’s beauty standards. I’m not one of them. My husband says he loves me and finds me attractive, but my ball and chain talks all the time about how he will want to find a better looking, thinner woman.

He’s a handsome guy as far as I’m concerned, and my ball and chain thinks we are terribly mismatched now. He looks attractive when he goes out in public and I do not.

I clearly met society's beauty standards much more around my wedding

                            What I looked like when I married my husband

As a feminist, I don’t want to care about how I look, I don’t want it to be important, and I don’t want it to take up any of my time. My ball and chain chatters on and on about it, anyway. “You aren’t meeting society’s beauty standards. You’re ugly just like when those children told you were.”

I know how it feels to be treated differently depending on your appearance. I have been dismissed, discounted, or disparaged by countless people during the times I occupied the low end of the rating scale for how hot a woman is. I also know how I was treated differently when I was prettier. So much differently. Reading Leah Stella Stephens description of what society says about beauty and how it affects us was very emotional for me, and I highly recommend it to others.

My eating disorder is still not in control. Getting my ball and chain to shut the hell up is probably a big part of recovery. The messages you receive from media and casual interactions with others reinforce the negativity. But, my husband just said, “I love you,” again, so I need to start listening to other people. Or I might lose them.

Also posted at Medium.com